Lessons from the ocean…

What is it about the ocean that brings such peace? Is there anything that I could say that has not been said before, and more eloquently than others?

Even so, I’m going to try to capture some felt experiences of being at the beach this past week in Maine:

  • Things arise and they pass away. If you pay attention, you can just discern a wave crashing, even as another is rising…and it is a never ending cycle. Just like the breath. That is comforting. It also reminded me of a powerful realization that my breath will be with my until the moment I die! Literally. So, if I am ever terrified or scared, I just need to remember to breathe. I actually understood what Rumi meant by: ‘Don’t let your throat tighten with fear. Take sips of breath all day and night!’.
  • What wild abandon looks like. My daughter Anjali is a water lover and a good swimmer. At nine, she sits down on the sand and lets the waves crash over her. She jumps into waves. She runs a race with them. She lays down and allows the ocean to embrace her. I have never met anyone like her, with no fear, and no self-consciousness. And the water was ice-cold! It was inspiring and it pushed me to let go a little bit of control. To let go, and lean in. Into the unknown and the uncertainty of this moment!
  • Thoughts arise and pass. We don’t have to act on them. We can, if we choose to. But there is that moment of choice, and in that moment also abides the freedom. If only we can slow down. It is easy to slow down by the ocean, to be lulled into the state of being, witnessing and abiding in love.
  • When we relax into the moment, give up our plans and agendas, we actually have more energy! I found that I had boundless energy to go with the flow, and at the end of the day, I felt at peace. No resistance, no pushing away.
  • So much beauty surrounds us. We can so easily take it for granted. Especially now, more than ever, we see our surroundings with new eyes. ‘A feeling of fullness comes, but usually it takes some bread to bring it. Beauty surrounds us, but usually we need to be walking in a garden to know it.’ (Rumi)
  • Appreciating the body. The body without which experience on this earth would not be possible. As Mary Oliver says in ‘Red bird explains himself’, “for truly the body needs a song, a spirit, a soul. And no less, to make this work, the soul has need of a body, and I am both of the earth and I am of the inexplicable beauty of heaven“.

So, let’s breathe. Feel the ocean within us. And ‘enjoy this being washed with a secret we sometimes know, and then not’ (Rumi)

With prayers and love,
S.

Abiding in loving-kindness…

Abiding in loving-kindness or metta has this slow flowering quality of opening our hearts. It doesn’t ask for us to be perfect, but simply that we are willing to aspire and practice to be unconditionally loved and loving.

As many of you know, I am drawn deeply by the ecstasy, joy, truth, contradiction and union in Rumi’s poetry. I love reading Coleman Barks’ introduction in his many books of Rumi poetry, about the story of how Rumi and Shams met and how their friendship began, outside of time. When Shams disappeared, Rumi journeyed and looked for him everywhere, until one moment, one day, he realized that Shams was within him. And out of that union came so many of his songs and poems celebrated throughout the world. As Rumi says, “when living itself becomes the Friend, lovers disappear.”

When I attended my first metta retreat with Michele Mcdonald back in 2008, it was my first taste of this unconditional love and friendship. In metta, we concentrate on phrases/wishes of well-being for our benefactor; not with the aim of controlling their happiness or well-being, but to gently ease into and abide into our own heart’s capacity to love and wish others well, independent of their accomplishments or qualities. We start with the benefactor, because this is our ‘easy’ person, the person for whom wishing well comes easily to us. As we practice, our hearts expand in friendship and good will and then it becomes easier to extend those wishes to ourselves, neutral and more difficult people, in that order. Ultimately, our aspiration is to wish all beings on earth this same unconditional good will and friendship, as we would wish for our dearest ones.

Being a parent offers a beautiful doorway to practice this metta journey. When I sit in meditation and begin with metta for my daughter, Anjali, it is easy to wish her well. Her sweet face fills my consciousness and brings me immense joy. Not because of her accomplishments or certain qualities she possesses, but simply because of who she is. A radiant being of light and joy, for whom my wishes of friendship, health, safety and love flow easily and naturally. When I abide in the love I feel for her, and slowly turn it like a mirror towards myself, this magical alchemy occurs. I too am worthy of the same love that I extend to my child. Sometimes I find myself wondering who is the mother and who is the child.

Moon and clouds are the same. Mountain and valley are different. All are blessed; all are blessed. Is this one? Is this two?” – Wu-Men.

This abiding in unconditional love and friendship is the state from which we can then act in the world. Can we extend that same unconditional love to difficult people in our lives? This is certainly more challenging but as we keep coming back to the practice, our heart slowly opens and learns to relate in a new way to others. Extending this good will does not mean we condone others’ unskillful actions. But it allows us to respond from a place of wisdom and grace, simply because we acknowledge that we are all human, imperfect and worthy of love, friendship and respect.

I cannot say that I can love all human beings the way I love my daughter. If I did, I would be an enlightened being. Instead, I am very much imperfect, impatient with myself, insecure at times, trying too hard, demanding at times. But in loving her, I am discovering a far greater capacity for love and healing than I ever thought possible. Always remembering patience and diligence. And that, as Daniel Mead puts it beautifully in his poem, “A flower cannot be opened with a hammer.

May all beings abide in this friendship and metta,

With love, S.

ps: Please note that all Rumi references in this post are translations by Coleman Barks. If you would like a recommendation of his poetry, my favorite is his book ‘The Glance’.

The spiritual communities that sustain us…

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

COVID 19 has not been pleasant. It has been a tremendous period of uncertainty, struggle, death and transformation in the lens with which we view our lives. Nothing can ever be the same, surely! It has also brought some unexpected blessings into our lives. Perhaps, a slowing down, or a pause from the frantic pace at which we drive ourselves. Or forced time with loved ones. Solitude or togetherness in unexpected ways. A deep immersion in compassion, because how else can we get through this?

One of those unexpected blessings for me, is a reconnecting with my mindfulness community. I have been part of this sangha (buddhist word for spiritual community) for over a decade, and my teachers have influenced my path and my practice in indescribable ways. Since I became a mom, I have struggled to attend the sits regularly. I have tried and given up several times during the course of the past decade. The evening times seem to coincide exactly with when my child needs me for homework, piano lessons or when I am making dinner. I love my routine and giving up my evening routine and dinner with my family felt too difficult.

After reviewing the stress it caused me, I came to peace with my decision that I would forego the weekly sits, and try to attend the weekend gatherings whenever possible. I still managed to pop into the weekly sits once every few months thanks to spring break or summer break. But for the most part, my sits with my community and teachers happened during a Saturday or Sunday retreat. That said, it didn’t seem to matter how infrequently I sat with my sangha; every time I showed up, I was greeted with the same benevolence, kindness and enthusiasm as if I were coming every week!

During COVID 19, the sits became live on zoom and my teachers led sits virtually. And what a blessing! Sitting again with my sangha regularly, with people who share the love and passion for the Dharma, has been like dipping my feet again in the soft sand by the shore line. So beautiful and exactly perfect! And always such a pleasant surprise to feel the connection when we sit with beloved spiritual friends. The sit usually lasts about 30-40 minutes followed by discussion on the text or talk we have been reading/watching. So, on Monday evenings, when I can enter the refuge of my meditation room, I take a pause from everything else in life. Life resumes as normal after the sit, but as always, we are changed, transformed by the gifts of mindfulness and loving-kindness. The lens becomes just a bit clearer!

Another life-line for me has been Jurian Hughes’ kripalu yoga. I met Jurian at Kripalu last summer at the Dance into Joy workshop, and immediately felt a connection to her teachings and her presence. Kripalu is too far away for me to see her regularly and I missed the yoga, so I leapt at the chance to practice with her when she started teaching via zoom. Her Wednesday morning gentle yoga is just a perfect way to re-enter the week. She also sends a recording of the yoga class which is valid for a week, so that I can practice with it multiple times if I need. And what makes Jurian’s classes so enjoyable is her warmth, groundedness, chanting and the energy she brings into the practice and into our lives.

I feel so grateful to be part of a rich spiritual community where we can support each other with the practice of mindfulness, movement and compassion. With a bow of gratitude to all our teachers, who influence us, inspire us and keep us going on this path to liberation!

I leave you with these words from Rumi:

So the sea-journey goes on, and who knows where?

Just to be held by the ocean is the best luck

we could have. It is a total waking-up.

Why should we grieve that we have been sleeping?

It does not matter how long we’ve been unconscious.

We are groggy, but let the guilt go.

Feel the motions of tenderness around you, the bouyancy.

Rumi (translated by Coleman Barks)

Have you experienced any unexpected blessings during this time? Have the teachings of loving-kindness and mindfulness spoken to you in new ways? I would love to hear about your journey, through any comments you leave me.

With love and a bow, S.

The life-changing in-betweens…

It has been so long since I wrote in this space, that today when I looked at the title of my blog:

Dharma notes…

…about life, being a Mom, and all the craziness and life-changing awesomeness and the in-betweens!

I realized that right now is the life-changing in-betweens: a period of uncertainty that is also be life-changing. It is difficult to witness the changes in our lives and those around us, especially those who are struggling to keep their livelihoods and their lives. When we encounter the stress of living with uncertainty, in ourselves and others, quoting Sylvia Boorstein, how can we be anything but kind?

Kindness can come in many forms. One way I’ve been mindful of practicing kindness is by paying attention to my speech. What am I bringing into this world through my words and action? The Buddha’s advice regarding skillful speech is to practice speech that is truthful, helpful, kind and timely. It is something that we have to keep holding in our minds and hearts. Are our words timely and helpful, rather than fearful or blameful. Do they help others? Are our words necessary? Sometimes silence can be more helpful than unkind speech. How can we practice non-judgment towards others? And can we hold ourselves with compassion as we navigate this all new terrain of living our lives within our homes and practicing seclusion and solitude.

I have been thinking of this zen poem recently:

My daily affairs are quite ordinary;

but I’m in total harmony with them.

I don’t hold on to anything, don’t reject anything;

nowhere an obstacle or conflict.

Who cares about wealth and honor?

Even the poorest thing shines.

My miraculous power and spiritual activity:

drawing water and carrying wood.

Layman P’ang

So simple, this instruction in mindfulness. next time you are washing dishes or cooking for your family, when you are zoom-ing or working out, can you be in total harmony? Being present is the antidote to a frantic and anxious mind. We train to keep coming back to this moment, to the daily affairs so ordinary, to the poorest things that shine. And we do this with gentleness and compassion.

May we all abide in loving-kindness, and may be abide in the clear mind that comes from practicing skillful speech,

S.

Upside down…

Photo by Sam Kolder on Pexels.com

This summer, I signed up for a 6-week yoga series on inversions. It was an impromptu decision. I figured that after my weekend at Kripalu, it would be nice to keep my yoga practice going. Even though I pull out my mat at least a couple of times in a week, my practice has also gotten more gentle and restorative lately (my nice way of saying that I have become lazier!). Increasing my strength has definitely been a goal for me, and without a structured class setting, I knew that this would not be possible. So, without even meeting the teacher, I signed up for the series!

I liked the teacher when I met her at the first class. She was going to show us a very specific way of training for handstands. And even if I didn’t make it to handstands, I would at least have a solid foundation to work on! I was optimistic, especially after bringing more dance into my life lately.

Unfortunately, the foundation is all I am going to have, I’m afraid. I have done four classes so far, and it has been a humbling experience. I am by far the weakest student in the class, and I say that with a laugh! There are significantly older women than me who seem to be stronger.

But I’m learning so much as a teacher, by being a struggling learner! Here are some of the lessons/reminders I have had so far:

  • When you tell your students to seek out what they struggle with and to practice, practice, practice, know that they may not know what they struggle with. You need to help them narrow down exactly what it is they are having trouble with, with compassion and kindness and help them arrive at a sustainable plan!
  • Appreciate what is going well! Taking a few moments to say a silent thank you to my body for what it is doing well has been more important to me than observing all that it cannot do!
  • The journey is more important than the goal! Yes, I was there to learn handstands, but if I continually focused only on that, I would be very disappointed and frustrated! But when I remember to enjoy the process of learning something new with my body, I can actually relax and go deeper and also have more fun!
  • The idea of going upside down was used in yoga to get a different perspective. A reminder to keep being mindful of observing my mind and witnessing the effects of going upside down (even if with the help of a wall!). How do I feel afterwards?
  • Savasana is important. After all the hard work, letting go is the sweetest part for me. But somehow that wasn’t part of this particular yoga class. I missed it sorely, and in my latest class this past weekend, I actually did let go of wheel pose in favor of having a longer wind-down. It was helpful to me, and it felt so sweet in my body. So, make time to celebrate the small and big achievements. Each one is a sweet moment that comes after a lot of hard work!

This yoga series feels like a professional development workshop of sorts! Probably because I have always found it immensely satisfying to be a student, and more so this time, being a struggling student in class. This weekend will be my last class of the series; I hope that I can remember these reminders and to have fun and not take myself so seriously! Maybe I will even make it upside down, who knows! 🙂

With gratitude, S.

Ocean blues…

It has been nearly two weeks since I wrote last! The days are flying by, and we are at the home stretch of summer vacation. Since I wrote last, we spent a few days in Ogunquit, Maine. I grew up in south India, about a ten minute walk from the beach, and I took this for granted! Now, living in picturesque and mountainous New England, I don’t make enough visits to the ocean. This time when we went, a mere couple of hours of driving, I realized how much I had missed the beach. There is something that happens when you are around the ocean. A slow letting go of all the worries and anxieties you didn’t even know you carried, and in its place, a deep wisdom growing its roots within you. I slept so well, and woke up the next morning feeling alert and clearer than I had in days. Everything made sense and everything was perfect. Such is the magic of the ocean.

I would be remiss, if I did not admit to having a few less-than-graceful moments. Balancing the needs of your family, while still managing to get your own needs met, is an ever-shifting dance! We had a great breakfast the first day (Daalu, my husband’s favorite meal!), and of course, swimming in the beach (Anji’s favorite activity!), but it got too hot to go on the marginal way, which is what I really wanted. Anji was a bit at the receiving end of my disappointment, and at one point, I was losing it, and I told her, “why don’t we walk in silence until the end of the street, and by then, I will have it together”. She replied: “Mom, even if you are mad, I would rather you be social with me than silent!” She said it in such an earnest and kind and non-judging way, it cracked me up and lightened up my mood. Of course, I would love to be social with you my sweetheart!

We did make it to the marginal way the next day, bright and early, and Anji and I had an amazing time wandering through the little coves.

And she and Daalu enjoyed some quality time swimming in the ocean. We also made it to Cape Nubble Lighthouse, which was so scenic and beautiful!

My beloved friend joined us for the last day, and it was heart-filling! More beach and play time, and dinner at the lovely Rose Cove Patio, and shopping through the streets of downtown at night.

When we got back, I had a few days of ocean blues… I really missed seeing the ocean. The rhythm of the tide, the calm of the expanse of water, the sight of the kites diving into the water, seagulls looking for food, burst of blooms along the pathways, and so much room for everything to be. But then when I pause, I can see within me, the same deep, lasting peace. And a reminder that “You are not a drop in the ocean, you are an entire ocean in a drop.” (Rumi)

Namaste, S.

Creative magic…

Growing up, my sister and I did not have a lot of dolls. In total, we had two barbies. And the way we played with them was that we created this whole house for them using stools for rooms, and the basket in which we kept our clothes, as their bed. We made shoes for them from clay, and furniture for the rooms using blocks. Sometimes we played with cut-out dolls for whom we used to make paper clothes. My sister is five years younger than me, and I remember playing dolls with her until I was quite old actually – nearly 13.

I was reminiscing about those days, while cleaning up Anji’s doll house last night. I am usually taken aback by how lightly she treats her toys, and how messy the doll house looks (perhaps a window into her future house-keeping skills!? ) . But then, she has so many stuffies and Lotties! So of course she takes them lightly. Showing her a different reality from the one she has, without sounding like I am preaching, is a difficult balance, one that I am not always successful with. But last night, as I was sharing with her my own childhood memories, I could tell she was really listening to why it was important to me that she take care of her things.

And then today I did something I have not done in a long time – I played with Anji and her dolls. Mostly, I was an observer with occasionally supplying a dialogue or two. In the story she came up with, they went camping in the middle of the night – all the dolls woke each other up, and then they took their bikes to go camping and watch the stars. Listening to her playing was such a fun and delightful way to spend a hot afternoon!

I am reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s ‘Big Magic’, and it resonates with me that we are all fundamentally creative, it is ingrained inside us, and each of us are creative in different ways. And thinking about growing up with my dolls last night reminded me that it too was an outlet for creative expression. Just like seeing the beautiful Rangoli designs growing up in India, or henna designs at street corners by artisans who could fill your whole arm within minutes. Creativity has so many expressions and there is something so fun and enjoyable about experimenting with the magic that draws us towards it – whether it be trying your hand at a new genre of writing or taking up drawing lessons or trying new recipes in the kitchen… Whether it is redecorating the interiors of our home or putting together a bouquet of flowers, creativity demonstrates itself in little and big ways.

And by doing the things we love, we are better people to be around! I definitely agree with Gilbert on that sentiment. I love meditation because it makes me really happy to set aside some time for myself and witness my thoughts. And I am happier when I engage with my practice in new ways. It is the same with doing henna on my hands (and neighbors’ hands and Anjali’s feet sometimes when she will let me…).

Creativity is something that takes our lives from the mundane to the sublime. So I leave you today with one of my favorites from Rumi:

Today, like every other day, we wake up empty

and frighened. Don’t open the door to the study

and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.

There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

Rumi (translated by Coleman Barks)

I would love to hear about how you kneel and kiss the ground…

Namaste, S.

Summer notes…

Summer is flying by! As a teacher, I very much appreciate having the time off from the busy hustle bustle of the school year to reset my joy button! This morning Anji and I wrote things that we have done this summer, and things that we still wanted to accomplish in what is remaining of our summer. It made me feel really good to think of how much we have done already! 

IN my list of things I feel glad about doing this summer for myself: getting my haircut really short, making time for yoga and dance, going to Kripalu, eating well, spending time with family and friends, reading books, doing henna and writing again! For Anji: pool and more pool!  Violin lessons, Ice cream often. Play dates with her friends, painting pottery pieces, math stem camp, making it to Canobie lake park, getting her ears pierced! 

So, here I want to talk about the last event: getting her ears pierced. It is definitely something I want to always remember! In keeping with Indian tradition, and my parents’ request, I did get Anji’s ears pierced when she was young, but it was not a very pleasant experience and her ears were starting to look red. So I decided that it should be her choice if she wanted her ears pierced or not and let it close in.

In the last year of turning eight, Anji has gone back and forth about getting her ears pierced. I could tell she wanted to, but she was also afraid of the pain. I let her lead the way. She asked her friends who had their ears pierced what the experience was like. As is typical for her, she loves a lot of information! It was a topic of conversation with anyone who had earrings, baby sitters and friends alike. And then finally, she said, this summer she would like to do it!

I found out a nice jewelry place locally that came highly recommended. We marked the day in our calendar: a Friday, known in Indian tradition as goddess day, and astrologically as Venus day. With Moon in taurus, what could be more auspicious? The night before, I made a note to myself to try and make this day as special as possible for Anji. It was a relaxed Friday morning. We finished our breakfasts in Anjis room, did some writing, and then got ready. We were just about to head out when Anji’s glasses broke! Mercury retrograde, delays inevitable. Keeping my calm, I glued the glasses back and we were finally on our way. 

Christie at the shop was amazing! Anji asked all her questions: what do you use (gun in this case), how long does it take, how much does it hurt etc. And finally she looked as ready as she could be. Believe it or now, the stool she sat on was purple! Before she knew it, it was done!! She was a bit surprised that it didn’t hurt very much. And she said that the best part was that they didn’t make a big deal of it. And the little studs she has on her ears look like little star lights. Just perfect!

As we wandered In the store after, I smiled as I read this quote:

“It always seems impossible until it is done!”. 

Namaste, S.

 Ps: leave me comments if you remember your ear piercing or anything you would like to add…!  🙂

The joy of the hummingbird…

A couple of days ago, we saw a hummingbird! I just happened to look outside through our porch door and there was this tiny bird just hovering over the blossoms. I felt a shiver of happiness at having caught such a fleeting moment of beauty. In Ted Andrews’ book, Animal Speak, hummingbird represents hope and joy. So of course the next day, I took Anji to the gardeners store to get a hummingbird feeder. Talk about attachment! Of course I wanted more of that joy!

While we were at the store, the person at the counter, this very helpful and cheerful man told us that every spring lots of hummingbirds visited the green house behind for the amazing flowers. So you can guess where we went next!

Even though it is not spring but summer, we set out to see all of the plants they have. I had no idea the store was so big! We walked first to see the sun and then the shade annuals. Then we saw the shade perennials, these incredible varieties of Hostas. We ended with a tour of the sun perennials – beautiful hydrageneas, rose bushes, lilac bushes etc. As we walked, the sun so pleasant on our faces, feeling so relaxed and peaceful, Anjali holding my hand as she pointed out various facts she observed, I felt a tremendous sense of contentment at having taken this detour. How luxurious it felt in that moment to take the time to just be, to be spontaneous, follow our desires, not have to rush and be able to enjoy the beauty.

Tonight, as I reminisced about the garden with Anji, she pointed out wisely: Mom don’t worry, the hummingbirds will come for the nectar you put out. Even if it doesn’t happen right away, they will surely come.

Fingers-crossed!

Namaste, S.

Our visit to the Bridge of Flowers…

Yogi in training…

It is my daughter Anjali’s eighth summer on this planet. She is growing and thriving and I am…well, I am rediscovering myself. I am less needed by my daughter, and freer to open up space within myself. I am also needed in a different way, and navigating the balance between boundaries and freedom. So, here I am. And here you are. Supporting me on this journey of love, creativity, transformation, discovery and ultimately freedom! Welcome if you are new to my writing, and welcome again if you are a beloved friend, and thank you!

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My daughter Anjali and I spent this past weekend at Kripalu center for yoga, she in a yogi arts program and I chose a program called dance into joy! My husband had been away the past week and it seemed like a perfect thing to do together. She is old enough to appreciate and practice yoga on her own and I was excited to revisit an old beloved place of retreat. 

Here is a question for you to ponder: Can it be a retreat when you are with your child?

That question was a question I would investigate all weekend: how can I nourish myself while supporting my daughter in her own play and nourishment. It is in fact a question we as care-givers navigate a lot in our lives. Being in a structured environment allowed me to see my mind and how it struggled with this balance, more clearly.

For starters, in all of the effort in getting to Kripalu with Anjali, and getting her and me settled into the room, and getting her to the program, When I finally got to mine, I realized I had not even paused to contemplate what I was entering into! I think of myself as a naturally joyous person, but when I entered the room, I was certainly not feeling the euphoria that seemed to be emanating from my fellow participants and my teachers. I felt skepticism, and tiredness, a subtle judgment, and definitely not joy. Dancing that night was amazing. But also opened up a few sore spots within. 

Second, coming to your retreat is NOT the same as coming by yourself, meaning you can’t do all the things you would have done by yourself. In a moment of weakness, I forgot that too! (Tired brain, remember?). Massage is a weakness of mine, I love getting them, and Kripalu’s Ayurvedic massages is definitely one of my favorite kind! I scheduled a massage at one of the only available times, at 7.00 in the evening on Saturday. Anjali was not happy when she heard about this late Friday night. And it caused me a lot of angst in causing her discomfort. After she fell asleep, all of those inner critical voices joined together. How could I leave her alone in the room (no matter that it was on the same floor)? What if there is a fire alarm? Surely leaving my child alone can qualify as negligent parenting. My voices were insistent and relentless. It was past midnight when I finally fell asleep that night, too tired to struggle. Saturday morning I was ready to cancel my appointment, about to head out, when Anjali stopped me. She said, “Mom, don’t cancel. You love this. You should do it. I got this.” She truly did. She saved my day. That massage was not the best I have had: it was hard to completely let go of my worries, though I tried to surrender as best as I could and kept relaxing my body. When I got back, there was my baby, ready for bed, in her pajamas, reading. It was a priceless moment, I felt so moved, appreciative and so grateful! Transformed by my appreciation for her wondrous gift!

Sunday came upon us, gorgeous! My last session was when I discovered the euphoria. It was there. Just hidden underneath layers of comfort, habit and complacency. It emerged, beautiful, like a butterfly, transforming me from within. My kindred spirits in the workshop held the container for me while I went through this journey. I felt gratitude, exhilaration and generosity. That afternoon, I took Anjali to the lake, where my watery child swam with fishes and exuded exuberance! And we did the labyrinth one last time before saying good bye to Kripalu. Hope to return again next year!

Namaste, S.

My last session was when I discovered the euphoria. It was there. Just hidden underneath layers of comfort, habit and complacency. It emerged, beautiful, like a butterfly, transforming me from within.