Category Archives: mindful

I am here…

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I am back from a week away at Cancun, Mexico. Blue waters and sun-kissed sands… the sound of the ocean is so healing! And during this week, my practice was returning over and over to the mantra: I am HERE. 

Photo of sunrise taken on Solstice morning 12/21/22 in Cancun, Mexico.

Here is the word buddhist teacher Gil Fronsdal offers for the first of seven factors of awakening that support the path of awakening and freedom. Coming back to Here for me was sensing the sand under my toes, the sounds of the rise and fall of ocean waves, seeing the blue of the ocean and watching the pelicans glide the wind, dive down into the waters and swim, so seemingly effortlessly! It was feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin, tasting the tapioca pudding for breakfast, smelling the salty air and the receiving the water washing my toes as I stood on the beach. Here. 

Returning and sustaining our attention on the sensations of the present moment helps us stay grounded with change, and attend to our inner needs in a kind way and attune to the needs of others by reading their body language. Here allows wisdom to unfold in a way that feels so organic, tender and natural. Every time our attention wanders and we notice IS an opportunity to return Here. Here is laughter, ease, contentment, joy, bliss, awe, solitude, companionship and most of all: riding the waves of change with ease.

In his book Neurodharma, Rick Hansen talks about having a positive experience, enriching it and absorbing it so that it becomes an implicit memory and is more readily available during moments of stress. Perhaps, savoring the experiences of this past week by feeling them in my body and noticing the moments of ease, connection and beauty, I have deepened my own sense of well-being. This morning waking up without ocean sounds, I could remember them, recollect how they felt in my body and relax. And return to the Here now.

I am home now – in my daughter’s room as I listen to piano sounds wafting up from her playing Silent Night. Here is silent. No ocean waves. Here is wonderful! 

Are you Here? Take a few moments to sense your body, your breath, the sounds, the temperature. Are you comfortable?  Are you safe? What does your here feel like? 

I leave you with this beautiful track – one of my favorites on Insight Timer. May you be safe, and may your Here be filled with ease.

With love, S.

Finding refuge in kindness and community

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Photo by Marek Okon on Unsplash

I love this image of the Buddha supported by the tree branches – and resting.

Yesterday, Saturday, December 10th, 2022, thirty of us gathered – some in person and most online for a retreat I co-taught with my teacher Doreen Schweizer, my first time attending a retreat in the role of a teacher. Doreen Schweizer has been my primary dharma anchor and teacher – and someone who has inspired me to become a teacher myself. When Doreen reached out to me a couple of months ago asking me if I would co-teach the December retreat – an annual offering in the Valley Insight community, one which I have myself attended several times – I was thrilled! Over the last couple of months, we met a few times – to talk through the process – everything from the title and the intention to the structure of the days which involved an optional pre-retreat gathering on Friday evening and a day-long on Saturday. Through the meetings and along with many emails, there was joy – our spiritual friendship deepened and I have learned so much working alongside a veteran and wise teacher whom I trusted in completely and felt a deep metta connection with. 

Finally the retreat evening dawned, though not without some personal hurdles. Over the past week, my body developed an allergic reaction of some sort, breaking out into hives. It started on Tuesday night – and progressively worsened during the week. Hives are not new to my body – they are a familiar visitor but do not visit not often enough for me to have coping strategies lined up. After racking my brain this week, I realized this was probably a reaction to the covid booster shot I took a couple of weeks ago. Exhausted on Friday morning, I finally called my Doc and managed to get an appointment in – and get some medication to soothe. 

Part of what also unfolded was the resurfacing of my own doubts – will I be able to make this retreat? Will I be able to hold the container for others? Most of all, the thought – did I jinx this with my own excitement and joy? I’m sure this is something many of us can relate with. 

The journey from fear to love is sometimes a single step. A single thought. If this was meant to be, it will be. All I can do is show up. At night, laying in bed, I allowed mindfulness to take over. Itchiness. Heat. discomfort. Sensations. Compassion. Passing away. Arising again. My husband’s gentle hands soothing the itchiness in my back. receiving care from him. My daughter’s concern. This was the practice. This was my practice for the retreat! 

The medication received from my doctor on Friday evening worked wonders. I had almost no symptoms on the retreat day. Wow! Sweet gratefulness. I could be present, attentive and kind. My practice deepened in teaching this retreat with Doreen and holding the space for the participants, many of whom are my dear spiritual friends, and who brought their commitment, presence, resolve and kindness. 

Most of all, there was gratitude. Support from so many to make this retreat possible. Opening of hearts to being touched by boundless friendliness and peace.

It’s another beginning, my friend, this waking in a morning with no haze, and help coming without your asking! A glass submerged is turning inside the wine. With grief washed away, sweet gratefulness arrives.

Rumi (translated by Coleman Barks, in the collection ‘The glance’

Gratitude is the open door to abundance…

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Frame on gratitude quotes, purchased in Ogunquit, ME

This frame resides in my meditation room, and often inspires me to hold the intention to have an attitude of gratitude. Each time I read it, depending on the state of my mind, a particular sentence stands out to me. For example, one of the sentences I love in this is about Piglet. I loved reading Winnie the pooh to my daughter, and we both love the stories so much that we have continued returning to them often. Piglet’s character in particular is one I can resonate with: like Piglet, I am afraid easily – I am scared of roller coasters, of swimming in the deep, of horror movies and when I was a child, I was afraid of loud fire-crackers, of the dark and many other things. And yet Piglet experienced what it was like to be brave and to be accepted for who he was. And Piglet’s heart can hold enormous amount of gratitude.

Our capacity to take in the beauty of life, to pause and savor the sweet little moments and to show up with openness for the difficult moments strengthens the heart. Gratitude connects directly to this: it helps us incline our attention and how we pay attention (wise effort) and it arises when we reflect on our experiences and take in the blessings in our lives. Indeed, ‘life is a series of thousands of miracles’. The invitation is to notice them.

When suffering falls away what is revealed is not a big blank but a natural sense of gratitude, good wishes for others, freedom and ease.

Rick hansen (in his book: Neurodharma)

Indeed sometimes gratitude arises spontaneously and at other times, we can cultivate this gratitude. Cultivation is the word Gil Fronsdal uses to summarize the seven factors of awakening that arise through mindfulness practice. Like cultivating a garden, we tend to these qualities with kind attention and care.

So how can we cultivate gratitude? One way to practice is to notice the moments of ease and peace and spaciousness in our lives, the ordinary moments when things are right, when there is absence of clinging or aversion, when conditions outside our control have conspired to create something beautiful for us. Another way to practice is to use what one of my teachers Tara Brach often reminds us of which is the Bodhisattva intention: ‘may this serve to awaken’, or the inquiry: ‘what is the opportunity here?’. This is particularly helpful in difficult moments and help us reconnect with gratitude and the kind compassionate attention that can hold all that comes along, like a mother’s warm embrace for her child. When I remember this inquiry, it helps me return to my intention to hold gratitude in my heart for all that comes along.

I leave you with this beautiful quote from Rumi:

“Be grateful for your life, every detail of it, and your face will come to shine like a sun, and everyone who sees it will be made glad and peaceful. Persist in gratitude, and you will slowly become one with the Sun of Love, and Love will shine through you its all-healing joy. The path of gratitude is not for children; it is path of tender heroes, of the heroes of tenderness who, whatever happens, keep burning on the altar of their hearts the flame of adoration.”

Rumi

May your day unfold with many moments of gratitude!

with metta, S.

Renunciation as a practice in turning towards what we love…

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In Buddhism, renunciation has an important role in the development of an ethical life, it is one of the ten perfections of the heart, also known as paramis, and it is the underpinning of the five mindfulness trainings, as I understand them. However, renunciation often has this tone of severity associated with it – it indicates that giving up is a sort of punishment or self-denial that we should do to be a good citizen, a good meditator or a good person.

Personally, I tend to turn away from anything I should do. However, increasingly I find that renunciation actually protects my mind and heart, and makes me more mindful when I am making choices, so that I can make choices that are skillful. For example, in choosing not to shop/browse the internet/watch late night TV when I was tired on Monday night, I ended up listening to my body and going to bed early. I woke up feeling nourished, less distracted and it helped me enjoy my next day with more energy for the things that mattered to me.

Notice, I said, choosing not to. Sometimes, when we can’t choose skillfully, and are driven through reactivity to act in our habitual ways, like I was last night, I noticed that I could still renounce judging and limiting thoughts by letting go and choosing to forgive myself.

And when I choose to let go of self blame, I notice that I have more kindness and compassion for myself and others.

Renunciation can be through big or little actions. It can be giving up wanting to make our tea or food exactly the way we like it, so that we can simply enjoy the tea (or dinner) for what it is. It can be giving trying to have the house perfectly tidy and spending time with our loved ones instead. It can be giving up trying to make this piece for the blog perfect, so that it can simply be what it is. Honest, authentic, imperfect and alive in this moment.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Choice is freedom. When we choose the path of wholeness and ask ourselves if we really need something, and connect with a sense of abundance and gratitude, we find it easier to let go. And when we let go – whether it is thoughts, emotions, stories, beliefs – that release feels so good! Suddenly we are not so caught up in our stories. We are free. And when we notice how pleasurable this feels, renunciation gets easier. We do it not because we should, but because we want to. And we find increasing freedom in this way.

Welcome everything, push away nothing…

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Daughter Anji on the beach in Cancun, 2018

After listening recently to a talk given by Frank Ostaseski, co-founder of the zen hospice project, I was inspired to read Frank’s book, ‘The five invitations‘. The second invitation in this book is to ‘welcome everything and push away nothing’, and it has been the theme of practice for me this past week.

School began this week in full swing and I held this intention on the opening day, to welcome everything, all my students and all the experiences. I found that it is easy to welcome everything when things are good! The first day was magical. The excitement, the hope, the possibilities.

With school beginning, there also came the familiar worry and anxiety of the virus, especially for my daughter Anji. The choice of masking and the dependence of her well-being on conditions outside her control. I was listening to her while washing dishes, feeling my own impatience as I was listening – when the invitation cut through. Welcome everything, push away nothing. This too was okay. I could welcome this and make space for it. I loved her and that also meant welcoming her tendency to worry.

With first full week of school, inevitably there was tiredness and feeling exhausted. And for me, with tired often comes judgment. I noticed how quick I was at self-judgment! Welcome everything, push away nothing meant that judgment too was okay. I could notice and listen to my thoughts with kindness and patience – like listening to a child who is hurt and wants attention. I was lying in bed early in the morning, wishing for more sleep, noticing the thoughts of ‘if only…’. And remembering the instruction, I could soften with tenderness and welcome the experience. And just like the child calms down when listened to, the kind attention was enough for the judgments and thoughts to release.

So welcome everything, push away nothing is really an instruction to accept things just as they are, not wishing them to be otherwise. Even when we wish them otherwise, there can still be kindness, instead of aversion. Gil Fronsdal talks about this in the third awakening factor of mindfulness, effort. Wise or skillful effort is in paying attention – not just what we pay attention to, but how we pay attention.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi

Choosing a welcoming, grateful and kind attitude strengthens this response so it becomes increasingly available in the future. And then we start to notice the exquisite joy, the beauty, the love, the abundance that comes our way when we welcome everything. It opens our hearts.

With kindness, S.

peace in the moment…

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Photo by Matteo Basile on Pexels.com

I was lying down on a yoga mat on Sunapee beach – it was our last beach visit of this summer. My eyes closed, my body sinking into the floor of the mat. I could hear the voices of my daughter and husband in the background, chatting away. I could feel the movement of my breath and the warmth of the sun and the air touching my body – and my body molding into the shape that received this air, and the surface beneath me. I could feel the tension in my neck and right shoulder – and I felt no inclination to fix it. Just a subtle softening into the tension, a gentle acceptance.

I felt a deep peace. And also awe. This moment was perfect just as it was.

I was happy enough to stay still

inside the pearl inside the shell,

but the hurricane of experience

lashed me out of hiding

and made me a wave moving into shore,

saying loudly the ocean’s secret

as I went, and then, spent there,

I slept like fog against the cliff,

another stillness.

Rumi (translated by Coleman Barks)

I would soon feel the urge to move, to join the others. But not yet…This was the time to linger in this peace, to soak it in, to let it permeate deep into the cells of my body…

with gratitude, S.

To live each day as if it were your last…

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Photo by Dylan Howell on Pexels.com

To live each day as if it were your last…these are the words that came to my mind as I was biking the last up hill stretch on the road leading to my home. My nearly 12-year old daughter had already made it to the top. We had taken a very pleasant bike ride on a cool summer cloudy afternoon when it had threatened to rain. It was one of our last days of summer vacation before school began for both of us. If this were my last day, would I be happy? Would I be content with the way my life has unfolded? Would I be at peace?

Even though I have been practicing metta and mindfulness for many years and now am training to be a mindfulness teacher, there are many moments in my day when I am not awake. I am in a trance/dreamlike state where it feels like I am here, but life is not in full focus. I only realize this when I return to the present moment – and how fresh and alive it feels! And here is an opportunity. To realize that I am NOW awake – instead of berating myself for being away. As Joseph Goldstein points out in a recent 10 percent happier episode, this is a helpful way of practicing. My teacher Tara Brach says this over and over again – this (moment when we return) is a moment of re-member-ing and re-relaxing in the body.

‘It does not matter how long we have been unconscious. We are groggy, but let the guilt go. Feel the motions of tenderness around you. the buoyancy‘.

Rumi

So as I rode up the hill, I remembered this question – what if this day were my last. Would I be ok?

I think I would be very grateful! For having a life more beautiful than anything I could have imagined. For having just enough suffering and pain for me to reach for and stay on a spiritual path; for having more than enough joy for me to have balance; and for having equanimity – the letting go of wanting anything more! More than anything, for being present, here and right now. If this were my last day, I would be grateful to be here and be with the people I love.

How about you? Are you living this day as if it were your last? If not, what is in the way? Can you ask this question with great tenderness and kindness so that you can really listen to the response from your heart?

In kindness, S.

Mindfulness teacher training program…

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Photo by Arulonline on Pexels.com

From the time I attended my first meditation retreat, I have been drawn to the practice of sitting and looking within. When I sit on my cushion, everything becomes clearer. Initially, I tried my hand at zen meditation, mindfulness in the Thich Nhat Hanh lineage, meditation with Sally Kempton and other techniques before I found the insight tradition in 2007. Each of these practices have their own wisdom and flavor. With insight meditation, it just felt like home; perhaps because it is less structured and more flexible than other practices. But it wasn’t until my first metta retreat in 2008 that I really felt like I came home. Perhaps it is Michele Mcdonald’s way of teaching, or the timing, but my soul deeply recognized the need for the loving-kindness, for unconditional love as a practice to cultivate mindfulness and wisdom.

Becoming a mom in 2010 changed my life profoundly in many ways and you can read about my first year for free on Kindle! In particular, I had less time for longer retreats, and more opportunities to practice mindfulness in daily life! With kids, especially when they are younger, you run into the same challenges over and over and there is plenty of opportunity for the practice of starting anew!

Anjali will be nearly ten this Fall. Time has flown by. And somehow organically, it feels like the right time to deepen my own practice. I’m excited to share the news that I have been accepted into a two-year mindfulness teacher training program, that will begin in Feb 2021. I learned about the program from Doreen Schweizer, my teacher with Valley Insight. It is taught by Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach and the way it is structured appealed to me immediately! The application and acceptance happened quickly! And while the program won’t begin until winter 2021, I’m currently doing one of the prerequisite courses this summer, a seven week course called the Power of Awareness.

How do I describe what it is like to dive into this course? It is like smelling a rose all over again, as if for the first time. Or sinking into the soft sands of the beach after being away. Sure you have been in ponds and lakes, but we are now talking about being back at the ocean! You know that feeling?

The lessons involve talks, instructions for home practice, journaling and guided meditations as well as community mentoring zoom sessions. It is forcing me to be more disciplined about sitting for at least 20 minutes everyday, which sometimes feels like a challenge. And yet, what I am discovering is a joy, a happiness, even a delight, in doing something I have always loved!

I think of this practice as remembering presence, or maintaining a continuity in the train of mindfulness, during the course of the day. There are more moments in each day that I am aware of my body and emotions. Of course, there are plenty of moments when familiar patterns of reactivity still arise, and sometimes I am able to see them more clearly. I’m noticing resistance at times to new ways of meditating, while at other times, the mindfulness practice feels very complementary to metta. As Rumi reminds us, ‘There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.’

Sometimes I wonder how I could possibly train to be a meditation teacher! I love meditating but I don’t always like talking afterward! Will I have the wisdom necessary? Or the patience? On the other hand, there are definitely moments when I am day dreaming of what talks I will give as a teacher! LOL! And I haven’t even started the training program yet! When that or this happens, I notice, smile, and let it go. Come back to this moment, right here, right now. And begin again.

With love, S.

The spiritual communities that sustain us…

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COVID 19 has not been pleasant. It has been a tremendous period of uncertainty, struggle, death and transformation in the lens with which we view our lives. Nothing can ever be the same, surely! It has also brought some unexpected blessings into our lives. Perhaps, a slowing down, or a pause from the frantic pace at which we drive ourselves. Or forced time with loved ones. Solitude or togetherness in unexpected ways. A deep immersion in compassion, because how else can we get through this?

One of those unexpected blessings for me, is a reconnecting with my mindfulness community. I have been part of this sangha (buddhist word for spiritual community) for over a decade, and my teachers have influenced my path and my practice in indescribable ways. Since I became a mom, I have struggled to attend the sits regularly. I have tried and given up several times during the course of the past decade. The evening times seem to coincide exactly with when my child needs me for homework, piano lessons or when I am making dinner. I love my routine and giving up my evening routine and dinner with my family felt too difficult.

After reviewing the stress it caused me, I came to peace with my decision that I would forego the weekly sits, and try to attend the weekend gatherings whenever possible. I still managed to pop into the weekly sits once every few months thanks to spring break or summer break. But for the most part, my sits with my community and teachers happened during a Saturday or Sunday retreat. That said, it didn’t seem to matter how infrequently I sat with my sangha; every time I showed up, I was greeted with the same benevolence, kindness and enthusiasm as if I were coming every week!

During COVID 19, the sits became live on zoom and my teachers led sits virtually. And what a blessing! Sitting again with my sangha regularly, with people who share the love and passion for the Dharma, has been like dipping my feet again in the soft sand by the shore line. So beautiful and exactly perfect! And always such a pleasant surprise to feel the connection when we sit with beloved spiritual friends. The sit usually lasts about 30-40 minutes followed by discussion on the text or talk we have been reading/watching. So, on Monday evenings, when I can enter the refuge of my meditation room, I take a pause from everything else in life. Life resumes as normal after the sit, but as always, we are changed, transformed by the gifts of mindfulness and loving-kindness. The lens becomes just a bit clearer!

Another life-line for me has been Jurian Hughes’ kripalu yoga. I met Jurian at Kripalu last summer at the Dance into Joy workshop, and immediately felt a connection to her teachings and her presence. Kripalu is too far away for me to see her regularly and I missed the yoga, so I leapt at the chance to practice with her when she started teaching via zoom. Her Wednesday morning gentle yoga is just a perfect way to re-enter the week. She also sends a recording of the yoga class which is valid for a week, so that I can practice with it multiple times if I need. And what makes Jurian’s classes so enjoyable is her warmth, groundedness, chanting and the energy she brings into the practice and into our lives.

I feel so grateful to be part of a rich spiritual community where we can support each other with the practice of mindfulness, movement and compassion. With a bow of gratitude to all our teachers, who influence us, inspire us and keep us going on this path to liberation!

I leave you with these words from Rumi:

So the sea-journey goes on, and who knows where?

Just to be held by the ocean is the best luck

we could have. It is a total waking-up.

Why should we grieve that we have been sleeping?

It does not matter how long we’ve been unconscious.

We are groggy, but let the guilt go.

Feel the motions of tenderness around you, the bouyancy.

Rumi (translated by Coleman Barks)

Have you experienced any unexpected blessings during this time? Have the teachings of loving-kindness and mindfulness spoken to you in new ways? I would love to hear about your journey, through any comments you leave me.

With love and a bow, S.

The life-changing in-betweens…

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It has been so long since I wrote in this space, that today when I looked at the title of my blog:

Dharma notes…

…about life, being a Mom, and all the craziness and life-changing awesomeness and the in-betweens!

I realized that right now is the life-changing in-betweens: a period of uncertainty that is also be life-changing. It is difficult to witness the changes in our lives and those around us, especially those who are struggling to keep their livelihoods and their lives. When we encounter the stress of living with uncertainty, in ourselves and others, quoting Sylvia Boorstein, how can we be anything but kind?

Kindness can come in many forms. One way I’ve been mindful of practicing kindness is by paying attention to my speech. What am I bringing into this world through my words and action? The Buddha’s advice regarding skillful speech is to practice speech that is truthful, helpful, kind and timely. It is something that we have to keep holding in our minds and hearts. Are our words timely and helpful, rather than fearful or blameful. Do they help others? Are our words necessary? Sometimes silence can be more helpful than unkind speech. How can we practice non-judgment towards others? And can we hold ourselves with compassion as we navigate this all new terrain of living our lives within our homes and practicing seclusion and solitude.

I have been thinking of this zen poem recently:

My daily affairs are quite ordinary;

but I’m in total harmony with them.

I don’t hold on to anything, don’t reject anything;

nowhere an obstacle or conflict.

Who cares about wealth and honor?

Even the poorest thing shines.

My miraculous power and spiritual activity:

drawing water and carrying wood.

Layman P’ang

So simple, this instruction in mindfulness. next time you are washing dishes or cooking for your family, when you are zoom-ing or working out, can you be in total harmony? Being present is the antidote to a frantic and anxious mind. We train to keep coming back to this moment, to the daily affairs so ordinary, to the poorest things that shine. And we do this with gentleness and compassion.

May we all abide in loving-kindness, and may be abide in the clear mind that comes from practicing skillful speech,

S.