Giving thanks…

Posted on November 30, 2014 by Shuba

Today I’m struck by how much love I have in my life. How much love I have had in my past and how much love there continues to be in my life. Surely if I were to believe in past lifetimes, this must be a special lifetime. When I pause to think of gratitude, I can only have a sense of marvel, of awe. Wow. This IS really my life. This is really the result of the choices I have made in life. We make choices at each juncture, each moment, on how we want to live our lives, what matters to us most, and what brings us most peace. Not every choice is an easy one, and many require great courage of heart.

Maybe that is why I have always had a hard time choosing a famous person as a role model. I find the ordinary person to be as much of a role model. My greatest role model is my husband who brings kindness and patience and steady presence into his life every single day. He is funny, fun, kind and positive, no matter how stressful his day. He always stops to give way to others, while driving. He always writes a thank you note for the server. He always greets me in the morning with such sweetness and love. He adores his daughter and has never raised his voice with her. And he has his share of stress for sure, like any of us. Like all of us.

My inspiration is also my daughter, my 4 year old, who is so profoundly wise and so tender and loving that my heart opens every day just a little bit more. Sometimes, it is hard to bear – like when we are having gelato and she wants to try mine but won’t let me feed her, so she spoons herself a bite from my spoon. How much she yearns for independence and how brave she is to be willing to try so many new things in life and never let things get her down. She is my angel, my darling and my shining star.

So many people have loved me with their hearts, and accepted me and embraced whom I am inside. Words cannot express how awesome that is. And I have allowed myself to receive this love – and I am only now beginning to realize what a gift that can be for others.

So, on thanksgiving weekend, here is giving thanks to all the people near and dear, family and friends, far away but not far from the heart. Thank you for being part of my life.

Balance…

Posted on November 21, 2014 by Shuba

I was reading a magazine today and came across the bio of the author: ‘she balances being senior editor with yoga and teaching’, or something of the kind. I have read so many such bios, and written such bios of myself. Somehow today it made me pause: the word, ‘Balance’. We are always balancing. We are juggling so many things in life, and learning to balance on the ice, without letting it all drop. We lose our balance a lot – and that’s partly how we learn which direction we have to lean again – to regain our balance.

This month has been a lot about this lesson of balance for me. After a packed few months of so many events – birthdays, Diwali, Halloween, and work and doing too many things, my body took a pause. I had a really bad cold and it lasted for about 10 days. It forced me to get a lot of rest, less of talking, less of doing, and more of surrender. It was a reminder that we can’t always do things simply by force of will. The heart needs to follow. And as the beautiful poem by Daniel Mead, pasted on the door of my room reminds me, ‘a flower cannot be opened by a hammer’.

I had taken up swim lessons and confronting my deep fears from nearly drowning once. Watching Anji had inspired me and I was determined to ‘do it!’ this time. My body did not feel the same way. I have managed to attend classes once a week instead of two – and have had a lot of pain in left arm from possibly over-rotating. And then I couldn’t go, because I got sick. Maybe group lessons are not for me. I have also realized that maybe no push is needed.. Maybe the only deadline is my own. Maybe it will all happen in good time. Maybe I don’t need to ‘swim’ by tomorrow!

I had also resolved in the beginning of November, to commit to a more regular yoga practice. This has also been really powerful. It has also brought many questions into my attention. What modifications can I offer myself when I am sick? Can I be kind? Can I redefine success? I have not been on my yoga mat everyday, but my resolution has been successful nevertheless. I have come to yoga more often, and that has been super. I also found that since I had committed to only 5 poses, that was simple to practice and I didn’t always need to dedicate 45 minutes to an hour to practice. Sometimes 20 minutes was plenty. I also found that I had to bring mindfulness to how much I wanted to do each day, where my body was, and which poses. It has been a creative exercise as well as one of bringing attention. I have done poses I haven’t in a long time. I have also just showed up and done legs up the wall pose. My body leading the way has made me happier. And realizing that there is nobody else judging this but myself has been liberating, as always. I can be softer, kinder and when I do, I miraculously bring this into my life.

As Rumi says, ‘let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground’. May all our paths lead to more ways of discovering this…

Peace to you and happy thanksgiving!

Shuba

first snow…

Posted on November 15, 2014 by Shuba

Words fall like snow flakes

Gently on the ground

They melt away in presence

Leaving a shining essence…

Heart moves with a smile

Reflections on the wall

Is it me? Or you?

Impressions fall…

Like drops on the ocean

Do they leave a trace?

Drops, ocean, words, heart

See clearly what is lost

And what is found again

In these eyes looking within.

Edited with BlogPad Pro

the practice of gratitude

Posted on November 7, 2014 by Shuba

In the beginning of this month, I set the intention to bring my yoga practice into focus, along with the practice of gratitude. This week, I have managed to make space for yoga everyday with the exception of wednesday. The space has been sometimes early in the morning, sometimes in the evening before the chaotic dinner time and tonight, after 7.00. The commitment to five poses has been liberating. I have felt good about extending my yoga practice when time permits, but I have not held it against myself to have a brief practice at times. Doing yoga more than just a couple of times has been so good for me. One, it has helped me sleep better. Two, I am able to be more mindful of my spine extending and able to sense more resilience in my body and mind. My mind has felt clearer at the end of the day, with less of the dullness I usually feel by the time my family duties are over. I’m energized by the possibility that doing yoga more frequently IS possible.

Regarding gratitude, isn’t this an endless journey!? Just when I was noticing yesterday that I have been feeling less inclined to anger lately, today I was hit by it out of nowhere. Yes, it is true, I have felt less prone to strong emotional upheavals in recent months; partly because of better diet and movement and partly because I have enjoyed many activities with Anjali. Her growing up into her 4s, has meant less irrational tantrums for her, and more calm for me. And I have taken time to notice this for sure. But today, my familiar friend Anger threw me for a loop. I had dropped down my guard. I had not taken my pause in a busy morning. I was also nursing the beginning of a headache. And there He was. Waiting. Of course. And I had forgotten my beloved Rumi’s words:

“Learn the alchemy true human beings know. The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open. Welcome difficulty as a familiar comrade. Joke with torment brought by the friend.”

There is no other way but through, and gratitude leads us through. I feel humbled by my own emotions and vulnerability. My body’s tiredness and limitations sometimes and the shortcoming in mY own capacity to respond with wisdom. I think this is essential to compassion. If I were perfect, I would be unable to understand and empathize with the imperfections of others. When I see through my own humanness, when I accept the troubles, then my heart softens. My daughter said to me, ‘mom you are not being kind to me.’ It tore my heart open in that moment. The situation doesn’t matter – that I carried her crying, through the playground before she had a chance to say goodbye to her teachers, even though she had had adequate warning and plenty of time to play. Yes, I was not being kind. I was busy in a battle with my ego, my anger. My stories. My heart wrestled in that moment with the truth of the words. I was crushed against the weight of my own judgment. Anjali forgave me soon. She moved on. We had a beautiful afternoon. But I didn’t really move on, until now, until the breathing softened me, through the yoga.

We hold ourselves with such love when we hit these tender moments. That is what we learn through the practice, and that is the way through. May we appreciate these moments of waking up. May we have peace through this journey of life. This moment is like no other. May we welcome this full moon, this new day with open heart.

With love, S.

Edited with BlogPad Pro

November challenges: the mindful way…

Posted on November 2, 2014 by Shuba

November the 1st. How this year is flying by! One of the books that I have been reading and rereading three past couple of months is the ‘happiness project’ by Gretchen Rubin. I have found it a fun read and also incredibly useful in reminding me about intentions and resolutions. I can really relate to Gretchen and I think it is helping me keep some of my controlling behavior in check and let go a little more. I have tried to become more mindful of my complaints and criticisms, especially in my relationship with my close ones. I have become more mindful of bringing in more lightness into my life. I am trying to pause more and take in more. Especially more delight around Anjali. Many small changes, and now I am ready for two big ones. Here they are!

1) Take care of my body. I used to be a serious yogi – yoga everyday, classes twice a week, retreats and so on. Becoming a mom changed my priorities hugely and in unexpected ways. And somehow I have drifted away from paying attention to my body. My yoga practice has dwindled to mostly supportive poses to offer respite from busy days, but not strengthening in any way. My massage today was as usual, an eye opener to how much stress I carry in my body. I would like to change this relationship and take better care of my body. So here is my challenge for November:

To do yoga everyday,at least five poses. The five poses I have chosen are: child’s pose, downward dog, plank, forward bend and triangle or tree pose. I could certainly do more if time permits, but I got to do these five at least once everyday for the month of November. It has been ages since I challenged myself, and I think I am ready to do so now. Anjali can be a witness if she would like, as she usually is, to any major happenings in the house 🙂

2) keep a gratitude journal. What better month than November, the month of thanksgiving? I journal frequently and often write about what I am grateful for. But writing for myself makes me lazy sometimes and I hope making this a deliberate and more public resolution will make me more accountable. I’m sure I will have thoughts to share!

If you would like to join me on one or both challenges, please do so and let me know through the comments! Your support is always appreciated. I don’t intend to make my posts on these public on Facebook, so if you would like to follow, please sign up on my blog!

Wish me luck,

With peace, s.

Edited with BlogPad Pro

The montessori way…

Posted on October 17, 2014 by Shuba

One of the best decisions Abhi and I have made for Anji is to send her to the Montessori preschool. I feel so very grateful when I see the spark in Anjali – the curiosity, the questioning, the kindness and the confidence. Anjali was a shy kid and until she started going to Montessori, dropping her off at a preschool meant tears and hard goodbyes. But with Montessori, from day one, when she walked in, it was like she understood at some deep level that she belonged. This was her kind of place. The atmosphere that the teachers create here of trust is something the children seem to understand immediately. They are at ease, and when they are at ease, they create. They are fully themselves. and this is a gift like no other!

Seeing Anjali’s confidence in doing things for herself, and being a valued member of the society with something to contribute makes my heart full. Last night, she dressed herself fully after her bath, including choosing her clothes before I got out of the shower. I did not expect it! She also cleaned the chairs, of her own volition, by finding a towel and making it damp. and she was so proud! A joy to witness is her increasing confidence in her motor skills – the ability to draw, to write her name. The amazing thing is we have not pushed her in any way – it is entirely of her own interest and her incredible teachers. We don’t ever have to say – do you want to practice writing? or drawing? She loves it and hence she does it.

Her teacher, amazing Ms. M expects her children to take responsibility for who they are and their choices. She expects perfection. and they give it. These young children from 3 – 6 years. Once last week, when Anji finished a half-hearted attempt at her job (in order to get on to eating and play), her teacher made her go back to her work and try again. Anji grumbled about it at home. We did not venture any comment. The next day, she was so proud when she finished her work ‘the right way’. She came home and said, ‘today my Ms and Os were beautiful!’. Ah! To take pride in one’s work! As a teacher myself teaching high school math, this is something I think of everyday. And of how to give my kids the tools to excel and develop confidence in their own problem solving. Seeing the Montessori teachers inspires me to be a better teacher myself. To remember always to be kind, non-judging and to expect more from my kids. And then they miraculously seem to deliver!

So it was my pleasure to spend the morning at Montessori along with a couple of other indian families to bring in the spirit of Deepavali, the festival of lights, into the classroom. Though the students had already done their bit – by painting diyas! what a beautiful sight walking into the school. Making the coconut ladoos was work – but seeing them devoured by little angels was awesome.

Pictures courtesy: Montessori children’s school.

There is a feeling of ‘rightness’. I don’t know how else to explain this – this feeling that this is right. exactly right. The way things should be. Thats the feeling I get when I think of how fortunate we are to have this incredible community to support Anjali in her growing up.

May you appreciate the rightness, wherever it is, in your life.

peace,
Shuba.

For Anjali…Autumn

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Shuba

The perfect autumn day
with blue skies and clear breeze
our heads lie on the grass
as we count the clouds passing by…

moments of laughter
pass like the clouds
and leave joyful trails
in our brimming hearts

Then we get up
pick up the red leaves
feel the breeze
and live once more.

Celebrations…

Posted on September 14, 2014 by Shuba

Sunday morning bliss. A relaxed morning listening to music after breakfast at the local diner. It has been a really good week. A week of celebration, of Anjali turning 4. First we had close friends and family for samosas and cake last weekend. And then celebration at Anjali’s classroom at her Montessori school on wednesday where I got to participate and have lunch with all the children. Then, her actual birthday on Thursday when she got a new 16” bike, as promised. This one with all the frills – white and pink with a basket in front. Anji loves biking and will do it morning, noon and night, if she could. And she has outgrown her 12” (which she rides without training wheels!). She took to her 16” like fish to water.

Speaking of water, she also had her first swim lesson on Friday, which was a true delight to witness. Being a non-swimmer myself, I was touched by how much she enjoyed being in the water and learning to swim and how she trusted her teacher immediately.

And the last party (but certainly not the least) with her neighborhood friends at the local art studio yesterday with one of her favorite teachers. (While I got to snooze at home and Abhi got to watch a movie!).

A week of celebration of time passing by. My daughter is growing. I’m so excited for her and also moved by her new strides. She stays in her room in the morning watching the clock until it shows 6.00. I could never have imagined this. And when the clock strikes 6.00, thats when she comes over to snuggle in our room.

She is a stickler for rules. She loves rules and she also loves to tell others what the rules are. Like no shoes into the house. and no coming out of your room before 6.00! :). She is wonderfully creative and can play with her baby and little guys for hours, inventing stories. She also surprises me many times with her affectionate questions. She asked me last night if when she grows up, she could sit next to me for MY bedtime. I hope when I get old, she will be sitting by me! And we also have a deal that when she grows up, she is going to get a motorbike and take me for a ride. These innocent and spontaneous love-filled moments fill my heart and I’m moved to tears. That Anji is so happy with the small things in life. Playing outside. Riding her bike. Listening to bollywood songs and singing aloud and grilling us as to what the words mean! :). Truly, life has many surprises. It has been a week when I have had tiring moments – cakes to bake, errands to run, shops to go. But it is all worth the effort when my daughter told me last night – Mama, I like everything you do. I want to paste these words so I remember them during the down moments.

Anji you are amazing, awesome, and you heal my heart and bring me joy every single day. and you are my greatest teacher – of patience, persistence and forgiveness. I love you.

Journeys and memories…

Posted on August 11, 2014 by Shuba

Whew! We finally made it to the movie. Babysitter has settled in with Anji who happily said goodbye. Coming after a difficult lunchtime where my nearly 4-year old daughter Anjali (whom we fondly call Anji or gudiya) wouldn’t touch her pasta, a nice goodbye was a ‘thank God no tears!’ feeling. Driving as fast as Abhi possibly could, we reached the theater in just over 10 minutes from Lebanon to Hanover. We only missed the first preview of a movie with something ‘moonlight’ in the title and with Colin Firth in it. (I would like to see that one – even if I missed the preview!). I breathed a sigh – a deep sigh of relief – letting all the tension of the day melt away as I settled into my seat with Abhi next to me.

Movies usually begin with the name of studios involved, and this movie began with ‘Reliance’ on the screen. A deep sense of reminiscence came in. Just a few weeks ago, Abhi and I were sitting in the Red lounge in the cinemas in Mumbai reclining our comfy seats with samosas on the side, watching ‘Reliance’ on the screen. Hmmm…. Maybe this will be nice. I thought to myself, preparing for ‘the 100 foot journey’.

As you would have guessed, we ourselves are just over a week, back from ‘an 8000-mile journey’ – our travel to India for a month. Not on foot or motorbike or anything glamorous like that, but in style on Virgin Atlantic. With a lovely 3-day stopover at London to break the journey and one of the most memorable trips of my life to India, this vacation was special.

Anjali, our daughter, is nearly 4 and our journey was fantastic. This time was so much more enjoyable than when I think back to her being 9 months and nearly 2 (the most nightmarish age for travel!) on previous trips. Right now her age makes her a fun traveler. She was excited and curious about everything. She wore her own seatbelt and used the bathrooms before takeoffs and landings when explained as to why. She asked the flight crew herself that she would like apple juice with no ice. She saw Frozen about 10 times through all the plane rides, and she took out her little guys and played imaginary games with them in between. As long as I didn’t make any demands on her eating or sleeping, we were on a roll.

As for our time in India – there are no words. Maybe I can best explain it by coming back to the ‘100 foot journey’. In the last scene, decked in colorful clothes, the cast brought feasts of Indian food to sit together with friends and family. And then credits started rolling in – and with it, so did my tears. Maybe it was the memory of the taste of the warm parathas made by Lataji, or the grilled mint chutney sandwiches for afternoon snack or the delicious omelette cooked with cilantro leaves and onions diced into tiny pieces made by Priyankaji. Maybe the white of the large paneer pieces against the green of spinach in palak paneer or the black creaminess of dal makhani or the crunchy samosas with yummy filling. Feast – I certainly knew what that was. And with family and friends – maybe that’s why the food tasted so good. The warm embraces of unconditional acceptance and the sense of endless time. Like exactly the right amount of tea leaves, ginger and cardamom into making the perfect cuppa. In that instant time stopped. Maybe this is why vacations are special. And maybe this is what makes our hearts tender with the sweetness of the memories. And makes it hard to let go.

Anjali has already let go. She is totally present in the now – excited about art camp this morning and popcorn and lemonade and the bridge to white river junction. Maybe I will get there sometime soon…

May there be many such vacations – and may you have (had) exactly the vacation you need this summer.

With peace and gratitude, S.

The goldfinches…

Posted on April 23, 2014 by Shuba

Greetings on a rainy spring day from New England. As I type this blog, two goldfinches are right outside our window at the bird feeder, patiently having their meal/snack. They are not multi-tasking, they are not talking, they are in the moment, eating. Nothing else. Isn’t that cool!? That feels like a luxury these days. How any days have you been completely mindful of what you are eating in the moment, and not multi-tasking (or thinking other thoughts/planning? ). For me, it is very few. Mostly by the time I remember, I am at the last few bites, which I try at least to remember to eat mindfully.

While there is so much I want to write about: about why it has been so long since I wrote in this space and what is happening in my world and about the realizations and insights and circumstances of my life, what I find myself writing about, are these gold finches.

Right now, one waits patiently in the branch while the others complete their feed. They don’t fight, there seems no animosity or sense of ‘lack’. The bird on the branch seems as content waiting as the bird on the feeder. When I saw this the first time, I thought it was pretty cool, especially since this bird feeder is only about a month old. After the long winter, surely there must be a dearth of food. I would have thought they would be fighting. Atleast if they were human beings, they probably would. They never seem to. And again, they seem to bring this complete presence to the moment, a simplicity of purpose.

Sometimes, bigger birds come by to see what the fuss is about. We have seen a blue jay and a pigeon in addition to robins. They seem to lose interest once they realize the feeder is too small for them. They don’t seem to disturb the smaller birds. which in itself is interesting to me.

Among the smaller birds, we have seen chickadees, other finches, the junco in particular and the goldfinches and sparrows. It strikes me again and again how colorful and cool and completely accepting of others, each bird appears to be. I find myself looking forward to seeing these little ones every day. Its like this greeting they bring to our lives, without which something is incomplete.

In honor of these birds, let me end with a beloved Rumi quote as translated by Coleman Barks:

Birds make great, sky-circles of their freedom.

How do they learn it? They fall. And in falling

Are given wings.

If you would like, do check out Mary Oliver’s poem ‘Invitation’, another favorite of mine, about goldfinches in particular.

Peace and metta to you,

Shuba