Tag Archives: attention

Sing your song…

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I’ve wanting to write in my blog these past few weeks, but nothing materializes. Somehow I don’t have the words to describe all that I feel. When I try words, they seem cliched, trivial and I know my life experience is anything but that. So much has been happening, each day, each week, I can hardly keep up. I don’t mean externally – my life is a simple one for the most part – family, work and play. Internally, it is a different story. I have moments each day when everyone makes sense and I am magically alive. I spend several moments each day, lost in trance – of being elsewhere – not quite in the moment. I have come to recognize those moments with fondness – they allow me to soften. Making the turn and seeing a familiar face, or walking into a shop and seeing somebody I know, or simply walking sometimes. A lot of times, while driving. My judgments for wandering have diminished leaving a strange comaraderie for myself. This is me – imperfect. and my attention wanders. Lets return. and I do.

I have moments when I am caught in the anguish, of feeling that I am not enough. Frustration that I cannot be more, do more. And somehow, I notice, and they pass. The moments I feel most alive are when I am in nature, and when I stop and appreciate whatever is in front of me. It happens a lot when I am with my daughter – she forces me to pause. Its like she sees this beautiful being in me that makes me stop and figure out if I can catch a glimpse of this being in me too. Such love, a daughter brings. such joyful play and appreciation.

So, tonight, before I go to bed, I will be sneaking into my daughter’s room to watch her tonight. I hope you too have something that makes your heart smile.

I leave you with this…

Sing your song

life isn’t all that long
so take this moment
to sing your song

sing it wildly,
belt out loudly
let everyone hear

that heartful voice
inside of you
loud and clear

no one else can sing it
the way you do, not quite,
there is no other you

so take this moment,
pause for a minute
get ready and sing…!

With Love, S.

The graceful (grateful) coming of Spring…

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Its April the 2nd. Spring is here! Whether it was for a day or a few hours, the sun was out today, and we had blue skies, cool breeze and a warm day. Just walking outside without a heavy jacket felt…liberating! A few pounds lighter and feeling heart-happy, I couldn’t help but muse on happiness. My thoughts ebbed and flowed, but there was nothing in particular that I was thinking or obsessing about. No worries that came to mind. I felt distinctly comfortable. My thoughts drifted along and I kept returning to the cool air touching my face and my feet touching the ground. I realized in the moment, that I was feeling happiness. A sense of wellness about my life.

Its amazing when we think about happiness – it doesn’t mean we don’t have issues or stuff happening – but somehow there is no pushing away, and there is a feeling of relaxed wellness that we can rest in. We are not holding on to something, and we are not pushing away anything. Somehow our energies are freed from efforting, and we simply are in the moment. happy. Sometimes conditions come together – like today: beautiful weather, time at hand, not too tired, and a comfortable body. Other times, happiness arises spontaneously like sun rays glistening through on a rainy day. What matters is that we notice. Somehow noticing solidifies that happiness, and increases it. I don’t know how.

Writer Gretchen Rubin talks about it in Happiness project, which has become one of my beloved go-to-books: that we aren’t happy until we think we are. In my own experience, I know this is true: when I notice my happiness, I can keep my stories of dramatizing difficult situations in check. I know that things are not always difficult – from my own experience, and hence they will pass. I have also found another secret that somehow eluded me for a large part of my life: that when things are difficult, it is nothing personal. It just is, and that’s life. When I don’t take it as the universe’s personal vendetta against me, I’m able to respond with equanimity and compassion.

Why realizing this secret in the moment is so hard, I don’t know. BUt I do understand why it is necessary to pay attention. When I invest in my happiness, like going for the walk today, I feel more relaxed and hence better able to pay attention without drifting off into space land of thinking or wishing. And when I’m balanced, I deal with life’s curveballs with more grace. And somehow this touches those around me – and that motivates me to take better care of myself. Its all inter-connected! That is the amazing part!

Blessings and peace to you and happy spring!

January: reflections…

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How the life of a mother evolves…When I got into motherhood more than four years ago, I had no idea what I was getting into. Now four years into it, I’m learning what this is possibly about.

Patience. Enormous patience. Patience with oneself, patience with our partner, with our child, with others. Kindness. Kindness in those moments when we don’t know what is wrong, or what is happening. We don’t know why. Kindness and softening. That to me, appears to be a life-long learning. And the indescribable love and delight in life. Truly opening to what life has to offer – the not knowing, the mysteries and the day-to-day joys. When Anjali and I share our cuddles, I am complete and healed from every possible wound and hurt, internal and external. This embrace, loving, completely accepting is something I am always touched by. Sometimes if I am particularly overwhelmed, or my daughter is, we will do one-minute hugs. Just sit and hug for a complete minute with no agenda in mind. I love those moments!

Perhaps all children have this amazing capacity of appreciation and being present. I see when watching Anji’s buddies at school playing – how much fun kids have. We as adults are so much jaded. They seem so much more into adventure and lack of worrying about the future or self-critisicm about the past. When I am truly stressed, that is usually a sign that I need to be attentive and observe more and do less. It doesn’t take long for my daughter to inspire me. Perhaps it is the patience and presence she brings into her moment – whether she is beading, drawing or leaping joyously across our living room rug pretending to be a princess or on the beach. The innate capacity we all have to entertain, enliven and be happy is so inspiring to me. When I read books to her, or when I make up stories, which has been the new favorite thing, I feel connected to the flow of life. Present somehow. Wiser somehow. This is it. this is the joy I too felt when I was a child – of discovering something new, the thrill of learning something different, of figuring it out, of finding my own capacity to do something. And it all comes back. Maybe being a mother is at the end, about being a child all over again.

I don’t have all the words – perhaps I never will. Staying indoors, reflecting on this cold January afternoon seems to be right in expressing some of this…maybe more will come later… I would love to hear from others…

Peace and warmth to you,
Shuba

Balance…

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I was reading a magazine today and came across the bio of the author: ‘she balances being senior editor with yoga and teaching’, or something of the kind. I have read so many such bios, and written such bios of myself. Somehow today it made me pause: the word, ‘Balance’. We are always balancing. We are juggling so many things in life, and learning to balance on the ice, without letting it all drop. We lose our balance a lot – and that’s partly how we learn which direction we have to lean again – to regain our balance.

This month has been a lot about this lesson of balance for me. After a packed few months of so many events – birthdays, Diwali, Halloween, and work and doing too many things, my body took a pause. I had a really bad cold and it lasted for about 10 days. It forced me to get a lot of rest, less of talking, less of doing, and more of surrender. It was a reminder that we can’t always do things simply by force of will. The heart needs to follow. And as the beautiful poem by Daniel Mead, pasted on the door of my room reminds me, ‘a flower cannot be opened by a hammer’.

I had taken up swim lessons and confronting my deep fears from nearly drowning once. Watching Anji had inspired me and I was determined to ‘do it!’ this time. My body did not feel the same way. I have managed to attend classes once a week instead of two – and have had a lot of pain in left arm from possibly over-rotating. And then I couldn’t go, because I got sick. Maybe group lessons are not for me. I have also realized that maybe no push is needed.. Maybe the only deadline is my own. Maybe it will all happen in good time. Maybe I don’t need to ‘swim’ by tomorrow!

I had also resolved in the beginning of November, to commit to a more regular yoga practice. This has also been really powerful. It has also brought many questions into my attention. What modifications can I offer myself when I am sick? Can I be kind? Can I redefine success? I have not been on my yoga mat everyday, but my resolution has been successful nevertheless. I have come to yoga more often, and that has been super. I also found that since I had committed to only 5 poses, that was simple to practice and I didn’t always need to dedicate 45 minutes to an hour to practice. Sometimes 20 minutes was plenty. I also found that I had to bring mindfulness to how much I wanted to do each day, where my body was, and which poses. It has been a creative exercise as well as one of bringing attention. I have done poses I haven’t in a long time. I have also just showed up and done legs up the wall pose. My body leading the way has made me happier. And realizing that there is nobody else judging this but myself has been liberating, as always. I can be softer, kinder and when I do, I miraculously bring this into my life.

As Rumi says, ‘let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground’. May all our paths lead to more ways of discovering this…

Peace to you and happy thanksgiving!

Shuba

first snow…

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Words fall like snow flakes

Gently on the ground

They melt away in presence

Leaving a shining essence…

 

Heart moves with a smile

Reflections on the wall

Is it me? Or you?

Impressions fall…

Like drops on the ocean

Do they leave a trace?

 

Drops, ocean, words, heart

See clearly what is lost

And what is found again

In these eyes looking within.

 

the practice of gratitude

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In the beginning of this month, I set the intention to bring my yoga practice into focus, along with the practice of gratitude. This week, I have managed to make space for yoga everyday with the exception of wednesday. The space has been sometimes early in the morning, sometimes in the evening before the chaotic dinner time and tonight, after 7.00. The commitment to five poses has been liberating. I have felt good about extending my yoga practice when time permits, but I have not held it against myself to have a brief practice at times. Doing yoga more than just a couple of times has been so good for me. One, it has helped me sleep better. Two, I am able to be more mindful of my spine extending and able to sense more resilience in my body and mind. My mind has felt clearer at the end of the day, with less of the dullness I usually feel by the time my family duties are over. I’m energized by the possibility that doing yoga more frequently IS possible. 

 

Regarding gratitude, isn’t this an endless journey!? Just when I was noticing yesterday that I have been feeling less inclined to anger lately, today I was hit by it out of nowhere. Yes, it is true, I have felt less prone to strong emotional upheavals in recent months; partly because of better diet and movement and partly because I have enjoyed many activities with Anjali. Her growing up into her 4s, has meant less irrational tantrums for her, and more calm for me. And I have taken time to notice this for sure. But today, my familiar friend Anger threw me for a loop. I had dropped down my guard. I had not taken my pause in a busy morning. I was also nursing the beginning of a headache. And there He was. Waiting. Of course. And I had forgotten my beloved Rumi’s words: 

“Learn the alchemy true human beings know. The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open. Welcome difficulty as a familiar comrade. Joke with torment brought by the friend.”

There is no other way but through, and gratitude leads us through. I feel humbled by my own emotions and vulnerability. My body’s tiredness and limitations sometimes and the shortcoming in mY own capacity to respond with wisdom. I think this is essential to compassion. If I were perfect, I would be unable to understand and empathize with the imperfections of others. When I see through my own humanness, when I accept the troubles, then my heart softens. My daughter said to me, ‘mom you are not being kind to me.’ It tore my heart open in that moment. The situation doesn’t matter – that I carried her crying, through the playground before she had a chance to say goodbye to her teachers, even though she had had adequate warning and plenty of time to play. Yes, I was not being kind. I was busy in a battle with my ego, my anger. My stories. My heart wrestled in that moment with the truth of the words. I was crushed against the weight of my own judgment. Anjali forgave me soon. She moved on. We had a beautiful afternoon. But  I didn’t really move on, until now, until the breathing softened me, through the yoga.

 

We hold ourselves with such love when we hit these tender moments. That is what we learn through the practice, and that is the way through. May we appreciate these moments of waking up. May we have peace through this journey of life. This moment is like no other. May we welcome this full moon, this new day with open heart. 

 

With love,  S.

 

The goldfinches…

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Greetings on a rainy spring day from New England. As I type this blog, two goldfinches are right outside our window at the bird feeder, patiently having their meal/snack. They are not multi-tasking, they are not talking, they are in the moment, eating. Nothing else. Isn’t that cool!? That feels like a luxury these days. How any days have you been completely mindful of what you are eating in the moment, and not multi-tasking (or thinking other thoughts/planning? ). For me, it is very few. Mostly by the time I remember, I am at the last few bites, which I try at least to remember to eat mindfully.

While there is so much I want to write about: about why it has been so long since I wrote in this space and what is happening in my world and about the realizations and insights and circumstances of my life, what I find myself writing about, are these gold finches.

Right now, one waits patiently in the branch while the others complete their feed. They don’t fight, there seems no animosity or sense of ‘lack’. The bird on the branch seems as content waiting as the bird on the feeder. When I saw this the first time, I thought it was pretty cool, especially since this bird feeder is only about a month old. After the long winter, surely there must be a dearth of food. I would have thought they would be fighting. Atleast if they were human beings, they probably would. They never seem to. And again, they seem to bring this complete presence to the moment, a simplicity of purpose.

Sometimes, bigger birds come by to see what the fuss is about. We have seen a blue jay and a pigeon in addition to robins. They seem to lose interest once they realize the feeder is too small for them. They don’t seem to disturb the smaller birds. which in itself is interesting to me.

Among the smaller birds, we have seen chickadees, other finches, the junco in particular and the goldfinches and sparrows. It strikes me again and again how colorful and cool and completely accepting of others, each bird appears to be. I find myself looking forward to seeing these little ones every day. Its like this greeting they bring to our lives, without which something is incomplete.

In honor of these birds, let me end with a beloved Rumi quote as translated by Coleman Barks:

Birds make great, sky-circles of their freedom.

How do they learn it? They fall. And in falling

Are given wings. 

 

If you would like, do check out Mary Oliver’s poem ‘Invitation’, another favorite of mine, about goldfinches in particular.

Peace and metta to you,

Shuba

photo-19

Autumn Grace…

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Another beautiful fall day. Everything looks so golden these days. The light, the trees, the leaves scattered everywhere. Especially in early afternoon light, as we drive down windy roads on our way home from work and preschool. I can’t get over how beautiful this time of the year is. An entire hill shining golden brown. Or rows and rows of trees that are either yellow, orange or red. Pumpkins and orange flowers lining up houses. The contrast of the blue sky against all of this golden orangeness.

And how temperamental, how fleeting. One minute sunshine, next minute clouds. One minute the gorgeousness of the sun setting low in the sky, the next minute darkness. Perhaps that is what makes the Fall so special.

It also feels like I’m seeing this with new eyes. I don’t remembering witnessing this same beauty the last couple of years. My life has so much revolved around Anjali – my point of focus and undivided attention. And now as she is growing and so am I, it feels good to relax my attention a bit – let it broaden and take in my surroundings, the people around me and take some moments to receive this grace.

It isn’t often in life when we feel graced. Graced by presence, by friendship – inner or outer, by abundance – of good food and good health. It isn’t always that we feel fortunate, that we do the things we love and there is so much right in our lives. There are so many struggles in life, so many unknowns, such little in our control – that it can be hard to remember the graceful moments – moments which flow, which touch us, in which we love and are loved. When we are in a place of grace – those small unbidden moments – driving down the road and watching birds take flight, or wind rustling the trees outside the window or locks of hair falling over our sleeping child’s serene face or stepping outside the car, rushing to catch up to work, and stopping for just a moment to feel the contrast of fresh cool air touching the face, the breeze flowing through the hair. These small moments of grace uplift our lives, they bring delight and pause. They touch our hearts so that the ordinariness of our lives is taken to the next level : to sacredness.

Everything becomes sacred – because it is the now. And it does not last. It takes on this preciousness, whose worth only time can unfold. And it is only by relaxed attention, by leaning back instead of forward, by receiving this moment and appreciating this pause – that we can live in this space of sacredness.

So if you make your way to this sacred moment. Stay. Just for another moment.

Peace to you, S.