This morning, I was greeted by an unexpected sight – my 13 year old daughter making crepes for us for breakfast. Using a recipe from her French class, she made the batter, cooked the crepes, put in toppings and set up the table for us. It was a delightful sight and so were the crepes – truly yum! Another sign that my daughter is growing up.
In her gaining a couple of inches over me in what feels like overnight, I’m noticing that some things are easier. Her cheek is right next to mine when we stand – easier to give her a kiss. Easier to put my arms around her shoulders when we walk. More grown-up conversations. The love that fills my heart for her reminds me how attached I am to her. As a Buddhist I used to think in my beginning days that this practice was about being detached. And slowly, over many years of this practice, I’ve come to realize that the opposite is true. Be interested, enter the moment fully, feel the care, the incredible love. And hold it lightly.
I have been thinking a lot of T.S.Eliot’s words: to care and not to care. As parents, caring is our job. We care so much! And we learn to let go. To know that the outcome is beyond our control. We show up and we let go. Over and over. And we do this because time passes us by so quickly. Before we know it, the people in our lives grow and change. And this brings urgency into our lives – we show up now for the crepes, for the hugs, the laughter, the stories, the drama, the mundane and the sublime. And we fill our hearts with it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
I’m writing on my last day here in India, where I have been for the past three weeks or so – in Chennai, Mumbai, Ooty and back to Chennai. Returning to my home town after six years, it has been quite the trip.
Among the many experiences, what stands out for me is the kindness, the friendliness and care that has come through these past weeks. In meeting old and dear friends after many years, I have been touched by love and gratitude for having some incredibly awesome people in my life. In meeting relatives with whom I haven’t done a great job of staying in touch with, I have been touched by warmth, openness and generosity. And the kindness of everyday folks – the maids, the cook, the watchman, the ironing guy, the cab guy, the hotel staff, the temple folks, the shop keepers – it sure cracks the heart wide open like a coconut!
Sometimes, the stress of simply going from one place to another feels frustrating and at other times, the equanimity of those who do this everyday and manage to keep their cool is inspiring. Cows that wait patiently at the coffee house next to humans, monkeys that climb on tall trees waiting to sneak out your food, dogs on streets lazing in the heat and people who go about their way without complaints. How can I hold the contradictions in life with equanimity? That seemed to be the theme everyday here in India.
Taken in Ooty, Tamil Nadu, India
Among the sensory overload that is India, especially after a long time away, what I am most grateful for are three things. The first one is time with my family. I am grateful this was possible and that we could spend some quality time together, both at home and through travel and sightseeing. Eating my moms home cooked food was awesome and so special. I also enjoyed some amazing North Indian food at my in-laws and the celebratory South Indian meals at the functions I could attend during my time here.
The second thing I am grateful for is my meditation cushion. Seriously! It’s the first time I have traveled with my cushion and I almost removed it from the suitcase in lieu of carrying other things when my husband reminded me that I should stick to my plan. Having my cushion with me reminded me to sit everyday. To make time for my mind to settle, and to remember what was nourishing for my spirit. It was also deeply grounding amidst all the travel and it allowed me to stay connected to presence and remember to relax when possible.
The last thing I am grateful for is traveling with my daughter Anjali. A beam of light in my life and also light hearted, Anji rode the waves of change easily – whether it was new food or new place or new people. It was so fun to show her the hangouts that I went to as a child, to introduce her to new people including those who have known me since I was her age or younger, and to sleep with her in the same room that I slept with my grandma so many years ago…she is a continuum of the life that has flowed down through generations. And Anji moved between worlds with such ease and grace, it inspired me to hold my experience with lightness and let go of any expectations.
My daughter examining tea leaves in the Nilgiris hills.
So here I am – on my final day, my heart full of a mixture of emotions. Peace, thankfulness, joy and anticipation of returning home, sadness that I won’t see my parents and friends here for some time. It will perhaps be a year or two – and more things would have changed. But not everything. Not the care, the love and the deep friendships that are part and parcel of this place I grew up in.
One of my absolute favorite poems of Rumi is this one…translated by Coleman Barks:
Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened. Don’t open the door to the study and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument. Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.
Everyday life presents us opportunities to do what we love, in little and big ways, whether it is because we are frightened or because we are joyful! This has never been more true perhaps than now, for us who are living through this pandemic. We have experienced contraction and expansion in a variety of ways and most of all we have all experienced transformation…
For me, these past few months have opened up a well of creative living… whether it is in trying new recipes or foods, or in crafting collages and knitting projects and designing jewelry or in simply playing with time in spontaneous ways…Professionally, I am a high school math teacher so being in the classroom everyday presents its own challenges and rewards, but most of all, it reminds me to take care of myself, model that for my daughter and make time for play!
As I was talking to a friend about my new projects , she suggested starting a creativity journal! I don’t want to use yet another blog space but thought I would experiment using this space for some of my work…it will certainly help me be more regular in blogging!
So hope you enjoy what is to come…. this collage below is inspired by my intentions for my upcoming teacher training program and was done on this snow day today, with my amazing incredibly talented ten year old daughter who made her own collage (not shown here) and will probably start her own blog when she is old enough! 🙂
The woodpecker, according to Ted Andrews, author of Animal Speak, represents new rhythms, and we sighted a couple of woodpeckers in our yard on New Year’s Day! It also represents discrimination, in what we take on in life so that we protect our time and our practice! And I really wanted to find a seat to represent meditation. Finally, the background is from the Nature Conservancy 2020 calendar!
I’ve wanting to write in my blog these past few weeks, but nothing materializes. Somehow I don’t have the words to describe all that I feel. When I try words, they seem cliched, trivial and I know my life experience is anything but that. So much has been happening, each day, each week, I can hardly keep up. I don’t mean externally – my life is a simple one for the most part – family, work and play. Internally, it is a different story. I have moments each day when everyone makes sense and I am magically alive. I spend several moments each day, lost in trance – of being elsewhere – not quite in the moment. I have come to recognize those moments with fondness – they allow me to soften. Making the turn and seeing a familiar face, or walking into a shop and seeing somebody I know, or simply walking sometimes. A lot of times, while driving. My judgments for wandering have diminished leaving a strange comaraderie for myself. This is me – imperfect. and my attention wanders. Lets return. and I do.
I have moments when I am caught in the anguish, of feeling that I am not enough. Frustration that I cannot be more, do more. And somehow, I notice, and they pass. The moments I feel most alive are when I am in nature, and when I stop and appreciate whatever is in front of me. It happens a lot when I am with my daughter – she forces me to pause. Its like she sees this beautiful being in me that makes me stop and figure out if I can catch a glimpse of this being in me too. Such love, a daughter brings. such joyful play and appreciation.
So, tonight, before I go to bed, I will be sneaking into my daughter’s room to watch her tonight. I hope you too have something that makes your heart smile.
I leave you with this…
Sing your song
life isn’t all that long
so take this moment
to sing your song
sing it wildly,
belt out loudly
let everyone hear
that heartful voice
inside of you
loud and clear
no one else can sing it
the way you do, not quite,
there is no other you
so take this moment,
pause for a minute
get ready and sing…!
How the life of a mother evolves…When I got into motherhood more than four years ago, I had no idea what I was getting into. Now four years into it, I’m learning what this is possibly about.
Patience. Enormous patience. Patience with oneself, patience with our partner, with our child, with others. Kindness. Kindness in those moments when we don’t know what is wrong, or what is happening. We don’t know why. Kindness and softening. That to me, appears to be a life-long learning. And the indescribable love and delight in life. Truly opening to what life has to offer – the not knowing, the mysteries and the day-to-day joys. When Anjali and I share our cuddles, I am complete and healed from every possible wound and hurt, internal and external. This embrace, loving, completely accepting is something I am always touched by. Sometimes if I am particularly overwhelmed, or my daughter is, we will do one-minute hugs. Just sit and hug for a complete minute with no agenda in mind. I love those moments!
Perhaps all children have this amazing capacity of appreciation and being present. I see when watching Anji’s buddies at school playing – how much fun kids have. We as adults are so much jaded. They seem so much more into adventure and lack of worrying about the future or self-critisicm about the past. When I am truly stressed, that is usually a sign that I need to be attentive and observe more and do less. It doesn’t take long for my daughter to inspire me. Perhaps it is the patience and presence she brings into her moment – whether she is beading, drawing or leaping joyously across our living room rug pretending to be a princess or on the beach. The innate capacity we all have to entertain, enliven and be happy is so inspiring to me. When I read books to her, or when I make up stories, which has been the new favorite thing, I feel connected to the flow of life. Present somehow. Wiser somehow. This is it. this is the joy I too felt when I was a child – of discovering something new, the thrill of learning something different, of figuring it out, of finding my own capacity to do something. And it all comes back. Maybe being a mother is at the end, about being a child all over again.
I don’t have all the words – perhaps I never will. Staying indoors, reflecting on this cold January afternoon seems to be right in expressing some of this…maybe more will come later… I would love to hear from others…
Today I’m struck by how much love I have in my life. How much love I have had in my past and how much love there continues to be in my life. Surely if I were to believe in past lifetimes, this must be a special lifetime. When I pause to think of gratitude, I can only have a sense of marvel, of awe. Wow. This IS really my life. This is really the result of the choices I have made in life. We make choices at each juncture, each moment, on how we want to live our lives, what matters to us most, and what brings us most peace. Not every choice is an easy one, and many require great courage of heart.
Maybe that is why I have always had a hard time choosing a famous person as a role model. I find the ordinary person to be as much of a role model. My greatest role model is my husband who brings kindness and patience and steady presence into his life every single day. He is funny, fun, kind and positive, no matter how stressful his day. He always stops to give way to others, while driving. He always writes a thank you note for the server. He always greets me in the morning with such sweetness and love. He adores his daughter and has never raised his voice with her. And he has his share of stress for sure, like any of us. Like all of us.
My inspiration is also my daughter, my 4 year old, who is so profoundly wise and so tender and loving that my heart opens every day just a little bit more. Sometimes, it is hard to bear – like when we are having gelato and she wants to try mine but won’t let me feed her, so she spoons herself a bite from my spoon. How much she yearns for independence and how brave she is to be willing to try so many new things in life and never let things get her down. She is my angel, my darling and my shining star.
So many people have loved me with their hearts, and accepted me and embraced whom I am inside. Words cannot express how awesome that is. And I have allowed myself to receive this love – and I am only now beginning to realize what a gift that can be for others.
So, on thanksgiving weekend, here is giving thanks to all the people near and dear, family and friends, far away but not far from the heart. Thank you for being part of my life.
In the beginning of this month, I set the intention to bring my yoga practice into focus, along with the practice of gratitude. This week, I have managed to make space for yoga everyday with the exception of wednesday. The space has been sometimes early in the morning, sometimes in the evening before the chaotic dinner time and tonight, after 7.00. The commitment to five poses has been liberating. I have felt good about extending my yoga practice when time permits, but I have not held it against myself to have a brief practice at times. Doing yoga more than just a couple of times has been so good for me. One, it has helped me sleep better. Two, I am able to be more mindful of my spine extending and able to sense more resilience in my body and mind. My mind has felt clearer at the end of the day, with less of the dullness I usually feel by the time my family duties are over. I’m energized by the possibility that doing yoga more frequently IS possible.
Regarding gratitude, isn’t this an endless journey!? Just when I was noticing yesterday that I have been feeling less inclined to anger lately, today I was hit by it out of nowhere. Yes, it is true, I have felt less prone to strong emotional upheavals in recent months; partly because of better diet and movement and partly because I have enjoyed many activities with Anjali. Her growing up into her 4s, has meant less irrational tantrums for her, and more calm for me. And I have taken time to notice this for sure. But today, my familiar friend Anger threw me for a loop. I had dropped down my guard. I had not taken my pause in a busy morning. I was also nursing the beginning of a headache. And there He was. Waiting. Of course. And I had forgotten my beloved Rumi’s words:
“Learn the alchemy true human beings know. The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open. Welcome difficulty as a familiar comrade. Joke with torment brought by the friend.”
There is no other way but through, and gratitude leads us through. I feel humbled by my own emotions and vulnerability. My body’s tiredness and limitations sometimes and the shortcoming in mY own capacity to respond with wisdom. I think this is essential to compassion. If I were perfect, I would be unable to understand and empathize with the imperfections of others. When I see through my own humanness, when I accept the troubles, then my heart softens. My daughter said to me, ‘mom you are not being kind to me.’ It tore my heart open in that moment. The situation doesn’t matter – that I carried her crying, through the playground before she had a chance to say goodbye to her teachers, even though she had had adequate warning and plenty of time to play. Yes, I was not being kind. I was busy in a battle with my ego, my anger. My stories. My heart wrestled in that moment with the truth of the words. I was crushed against the weight of my own judgment. Anjali forgave me soon. She moved on. We had a beautiful afternoon. But I didn’t really move on, until now, until the breathing softened me, through the yoga.
We hold ourselves with such love when we hit these tender moments. That is what we learn through the practice, and that is the way through. May we appreciate these moments of waking up. May we have peace through this journey of life. This moment is like no other. May we welcome this full moon, this new day with open heart.
One of the best decisions Abhi and I have made for Anji is to send her to the Montessori preschool. I feel so very grateful when I see the spark in Anjali – the curiosity, the questioning, the kindness and the confidence. Anjali was a shy kid and until she started going to Montessori, dropping her off at a preschool meant tears and hard goodbyes. But with Montessori, from day one, when she walked in, it was like she understood at some deep level that she belonged. This was her kind of place. The atmosphere that the teachers create here of trust is something the children seem to understand immediately. They are at ease, and when they are at ease, they create. They are fully themselves. and this is a gift like no other!
Seeing Anjali’s confidence in doing things for herself, and being a valued member of the society with something to contribute makes my heart full. Last night, she dressed herself fully after her bath, including choosing her clothes before I got out of the shower. I did not expect it! She also cleaned the chairs, of her own volition, by finding a towel and making it damp. and she was so proud! A joy to witness is her increasing confidence in her motor skills – the ability to draw, to write her name. The amazing thing is we have not pushed her in any way – it is entirely of her own interest and her incredible teachers. We don’t ever have to say – do you want to practice writing? or drawing? She loves it and hence she does it.
Her teacher, amazing Ms. M expects her children to take responsibility for who they are and their choices. She expects perfection. and they give it. These young children from 3 – 6 years. Once last week, when Anji finished a half-hearted attempt at her job (in order to get on to eating and play), her teacher made her go back to her work and try again. Anji grumbled about it at home. We did not venture any comment. The next day, she was so proud when she finished her work ‘the right way’. She came home and said, ‘today my Ms and Os were beautiful!’. Ah! To take pride in one’s work! As a teacher myself teaching high school math, this is something I think of everyday. And of how to give my kids the tools to excel and develop confidence in their own problem solving. Seeing the Montessori teachers inspires me to be a better teacher myself. To remember always to be kind, non-judging and to expect more from my kids. And then they miraculously seem to deliver!
So it was my pleasure to spend the morning at Montessori along with a couple of other indian families to bring in the spirit of Deepavali, the festival of lights, into the classroom. Though the students had already done their bit – by painting diyas! what a beautiful sight walking into the school. Making the coconut ladoos was work – but seeing them devoured by little angels was awesome.
Pictures courtesy: Montessori children’s school.
There is a feeling of ‘rightness’. I don’t know how else to explain this – this feeling that this is right. exactly right. The way things should be. Thats the feeling I get when I think of how fortunate we are to have this incredible community to support Anjali in her growing up.
May you appreciate the rightness, wherever it is, in your life.
Sunday morning bliss. A relaxed morning listening to music after breakfast at the local diner. It has been a really good week. A week of celebration, of Anjali turning 4. First we had close friends and family for samosas and cake last weekend. And then celebration at Anjali’s classroom at her Montessori school on wednesday where I got to participate and have lunch with all the children. Then, her actual birthday on Thursday when she got a new 16” bike, as promised. This one with all the frills – white and pink with a basket in front. Anji loves biking and will do it morning, noon and night, if she could. And she has outgrown her 12” (which she rides without training wheels!). She took to her 16” like fish to water.
Speaking of water, she also had her first swim lesson on Friday, which was a true delight to witness. Being a non-swimmer myself, I was touched by how much she enjoyed being in the water and learning to swim and how she trusted her teacher immediately.
And the last party (but certainly not the least) with her neighborhood friends at the local art studio yesterday with one of her favorite teachers. (While I got to snooze at home and Abhi got to watch a movie!).
A week of celebration of time passing by. My daughter is growing. I’m so excited for her and also moved by her new strides. She stays in her room in the morning watching the clock until it shows 6.00. I could never have imagined this. And when the clock strikes 6.00, thats when she comes over to snuggle in our room.
She is a stickler for rules. She loves rules and she also loves to tell others what the rules are. Like no shoes into the house. and no coming out of your room before 6.00! :). She is wonderfully creative and can play with her baby and little guys for hours, inventing stories. She also surprises me many times with her affectionate questions. She asked me last night if when she grows up, she could sit next to me for MY bedtime. I hope when I get old, she will be sitting by me! And we also have a deal that when she grows up, she is going to get a motorbike and take me for a ride. These innocent and spontaneous love-filled moments fill my heart and I’m moved to tears. That Anji is so happy with the small things in life. Playing outside. Riding her bike. Listening to bollywood songs and singing aloud and grilling us as to what the words mean! :). Truly, life has many surprises. It has been a week when I have had tiring moments – cakes to bake, errands to run, shops to go. But it is all worth the effort when my daughter told me last night – Mama, I like everything you do. I want to paste these words so I remember them during the down moments.
Anji you are amazing, awesome, and you heal my heart and bring me joy every single day. and you are my greatest teacher – of patience, persistence and forgiveness. I love you.
A Space infused with loving-kindness... 