This morning, I was greeted by an unexpected sight – my 13 year old daughter making crepes for us for breakfast. Using a recipe from her French class, she made the batter, cooked the crepes, put in toppings and set up the table for us. It was a delightful sight and so were the crepes – truly yum! Another sign that my daughter is growing up.
In her gaining a couple of inches over me in what feels like overnight, I’m noticing that some things are easier. Her cheek is right next to mine when we stand – easier to give her a kiss. Easier to put my arms around her shoulders when we walk. More grown-up conversations. The love that fills my heart for her reminds me how attached I am to her. As a Buddhist I used to think in my beginning days that this practice was about being detached. And slowly, over many years of this practice, I’ve come to realize that the opposite is true. Be interested, enter the moment fully, feel the care, the incredible love. And hold it lightly.
I have been thinking a lot of T.S.Eliot’s words: to care and not to care. As parents, caring is our job. We care so much! And we learn to let go. To know that the outcome is beyond our control. We show up and we let go. Over and over. And we do this because time passes us by so quickly. Before we know it, the people in our lives grow and change. And this brings urgency into our lives – we show up now for the crepes, for the hugs, the laughter, the stories, the drama, the mundane and the sublime. And we fill our hearts with it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
It is May – and Spring has announced its arrival here in the upper valley where I live. The trees are bursting with blossoms and yesterday evening, my daughter and I walked in the neighborhood with the special purpose of smelling the lilacs. Growing up in India, I read about lilacs in novels, but I could not have imagined the incredible scent they carry – rivaling the heavenly scent of the jasmine flowers I grew up with in South India.
When I think of jasmine, the images of freshly picked fragrant buds hand tied into little strings sold in the market comes to my mind. Adorning the braided hair of Indian women, it reminds me of weddings and special occasions and temples. Lilacs on the other hand bring to mind long leisurely walks in New England with my daughter, taking in the heavy clusters of little buds that so freely give their fragrance. Between the two, a whole world lies – ties to the old and opening to the new. Isn’t that what life is all about? This balance between the old and the new, and the potential in this moment for transformation, curiosity, openness and mystery.
I have been thinking recently of change. Listening to Joseph Goldstein’s recent talk on 10 percent happier on the last three steps of the eight-fold path brought this into the center of my attention. Of course, the season of Spring as well as having a growing child both make it impossible for change to leave my attention fully! Anjali, my 12 year old, is growing like a tall tree – shooting straight up. She takes after her Dad and the women in his family – this morning waking her up, I noticed that she might outgrow her bed at some point! Each day feels precious, each moment when I’m truly present, a moment of awe. How does one hold all of this in one’s heart?
Even as I wonder, I know the answer. One moment at a time, one breath at a time. In this way, we steady our attention and then our attention can attune deeply to change itself as it is unfolding…And as we cultivate the steadiness of mind and heart that can attune to change itself, we uncover the wisdom that comes from a direct experience of this change in our own experience.
We often have a like-dislike-relationship with change, depending on what has changed. Change itself however is impersonal and the very nature of life. Indeed as the quote goes, the only constant in life is change. And the Buddha taught us this radical practice through mindfulness, of turning towards change instead of resisting it. And even when we notice resistance, there is a learning – a direct experience of dukkha, of the suffering that comes from resistance. And this too is important – in recognizing and getting to know dukkha in this intimate way, we cultivate wisdom.
The funny part in all of this dharma (or truth) is that to truly open to wisdom, we have to let go of our agenda and timelines! All we can do is have the intention and let it guide us…As Joseph Goldstein encourages us, our intention sets the direction for our journey, and through the journey of mindfulness and wisdom, we learn to trust that our path will lead to wisdom and freedom. And we appreciate the many moments of beauty along this path.
Ten thousand flowers in spring, the moon in autumn,
a cool breeze in summer, snow in winter
If your mind isn’t clouded by unnecessary things,
this is the best season of your life
Wu Men
May this Spring bring you many moments of ease and beauty!
With love, S.
ps: There is still space in my Intro to Mindfulness course for BIPOC, check it out under my course offerings!
To live each day as if it were your last…these are the words that came to my mind as I was biking the last up hill stretch on the road leading to my home. My nearly 12-year old daughter had already made it to the top. We had taken a very pleasant bike ride on a cool summer cloudy afternoon when it had threatened to rain. It was one of our last days of summer vacation before school began for both of us. If this were my last day, would I be happy? Would I be content with the way my life has unfolded? Would I be at peace?
Even though I have been practicing metta and mindfulness for many years and now am training to be a mindfulness teacher, there are many moments in my day when I am not awake. I am in a trance/dreamlike state where it feels like I am here, but life is not in full focus. I only realize this when I return to the present moment – and how fresh and alive it feels! And here is an opportunity. To realize that I am NOW awake – instead of berating myself for being away. As Joseph Goldstein points out in a recent 10 percent happier episode, this is a helpful way of practicing. My teacher Tara Brach says this over and over again – this (moment when we return) is a moment of re-member-ing and re-relaxing in the body.
‘It does not matter how long we have been unconscious. We are groggy, but let the guilt go. Feel the motions of tenderness around you. the buoyancy‘.
Rumi
So as I rode up the hill, I remembered this question – what if this day were my last. Would I be ok?
I think I would be very grateful! For having a life more beautiful than anything I could have imagined. For having just enough suffering and pain for me to reach for and stay on a spiritual path; for having more than enough joy for me to have balance; and for having equanimity – the letting go of wanting anything more! More than anything, for being present, here and right now. If this were my last day, I would be grateful to be here and be with the people I love.
How about you? Are you living this day as if it were your last? If not, what is in the way? Can you ask this question with great tenderness and kindness so that you can really listen to the response from your heart?
A Space infused with loving-kindness... 