Tag Archives: joy

Summer notes…

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Summer is flying by! As a teacher, I very much appreciate having the time off from the busy hustle bustle of the school year to reset my joy button! This morning Anji and I wrote things that we have done this summer, and things that we still wanted to accomplish in what is remaining of our summer. It made me feel really good to think of how much we have done already! 

IN my list of things I feel glad about doing this summer for myself: getting my haircut really short, making time for yoga and dance, going to Kripalu, eating well, spending time with family and friends, reading books, doing henna and writing again! For Anji: pool and more pool!  Violin lessons, Ice cream often. Play dates with her friends, painting pottery pieces, math stem camp, making it to Canobie lake park, getting her ears pierced! 

So, here I want to talk about the last event: getting her ears pierced. It is definitely something I want to always remember! In keeping with Indian tradition, and my parents’ request, I did get Anji’s ears pierced when she was young, but it was not a very pleasant experience and her ears were starting to look red. So I decided that it should be her choice if she wanted her ears pierced or not and let it close in.

In the last year of turning eight, Anji has gone back and forth about getting her ears pierced. I could tell she wanted to, but she was also afraid of the pain. I let her lead the way. She asked her friends who had their ears pierced what the experience was like. As is typical for her, she loves a lot of information! It was a topic of conversation with anyone who had earrings, baby sitters and friends alike. And then finally, she said, this summer she would like to do it!

I found out a nice jewelry place locally that came highly recommended. We marked the day in our calendar: a Friday, known in Indian tradition as goddess day, and astrologically as Venus day. With Moon in taurus, what could be more auspicious? The night before, I made a note to myself to try and make this day as special as possible for Anji. It was a relaxed Friday morning. We finished our breakfasts in Anjis room, did some writing, and then got ready. We were just about to head out when Anji’s glasses broke! Mercury retrograde, delays inevitable. Keeping my calm, I glued the glasses back and we were finally on our way. 

Christie at the shop was amazing! Anji asked all her questions: what do you use (gun in this case), how long does it take, how much does it hurt etc. And finally she looked as ready as she could be. Believe it or now, the stool she sat on was purple! Before she knew it, it was done!! She was a bit surprised that it didn’t hurt very much. And she said that the best part was that they didn’t make a big deal of it. And the little studs she has on her ears look like little star lights. Just perfect!

As we wandered In the store after, I smiled as I read this quote:

“It always seems impossible until it is done!”. 

Namaste, S.

 Ps: leave me comments if you remember your ear piercing or anything you would like to add…!  🙂

The joy of the hummingbird…

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A couple of days ago, we saw a hummingbird! I just happened to look outside through our porch door and there was this tiny bird just hovering over the blossoms. I felt a shiver of happiness at having caught such a fleeting moment of beauty. In Ted Andrews’ book, Animal Speak, hummingbird represents hope and joy. So of course the next day, I took Anji to the gardeners store to get a hummingbird feeder. Talk about attachment! Of course I wanted more of that joy!

While we were at the store, the person at the counter, this very helpful and cheerful man told us that every spring lots of hummingbirds visited the green house behind for the amazing flowers. So you can guess where we went next!

Even though it is not spring but summer, we set out to see all of the plants they have. I had no idea the store was so big! We walked first to see the sun and then the shade annuals. Then we saw the shade perennials, these incredible varieties of Hostas. We ended with a tour of the sun perennials – beautiful hydrageneas, rose bushes, lilac bushes etc. As we walked, the sun so pleasant on our faces, feeling so relaxed and peaceful, Anjali holding my hand as she pointed out various facts she observed, I felt a tremendous sense of contentment at having taken this detour. How luxurious it felt in that moment to take the time to just be, to be spontaneous, follow our desires, not have to rush and be able to enjoy the beauty.

Tonight, as I reminisced about the garden with Anji, she pointed out wisely: Mom don’t worry, the hummingbirds will come for the nectar you put out. Even if it doesn’t happen right away, they will surely come.

Fingers-crossed!

Namaste, S.

Our visit to the Bridge of Flowers…

Yogi in training…

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It is my daughter Anjali’s eighth summer on this planet. She is growing and thriving and I am…well, I am rediscovering myself. I am less needed by my daughter, and freer to open up space within myself. I am also needed in a different way, and navigating the balance between boundaries and freedom. So, here I am. And here you are. Supporting me on this journey of love, creativity, transformation, discovery and ultimately freedom! Welcome if you are new to my writing, and welcome again if you are a beloved friend, and thank you!

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My daughter Anjali and I spent this past weekend at Kripalu center for yoga, she in a yogi arts program and I chose a program called dance into joy! My husband had been away the past week and it seemed like a perfect thing to do together. She is old enough to appreciate and practice yoga on her own and I was excited to revisit an old beloved place of retreat. 

Here is a question for you to ponder: Can it be a retreat when you are with your child?

That question was a question I would investigate all weekend: how can I nourish myself while supporting my daughter in her own play and nourishment. It is in fact a question we as care-givers navigate a lot in our lives. Being in a structured environment allowed me to see my mind and how it struggled with this balance, more clearly.

For starters, in all of the effort in getting to Kripalu with Anjali, and getting her and me settled into the room, and getting her to the program, When I finally got to mine, I realized I had not even paused to contemplate what I was entering into! I think of myself as a naturally joyous person, but when I entered the room, I was certainly not feeling the euphoria that seemed to be emanating from my fellow participants and my teachers. I felt skepticism, and tiredness, a subtle judgment, and definitely not joy. Dancing that night was amazing. But also opened up a few sore spots within. 

Second, coming to your retreat is NOT the same as coming by yourself, meaning you can’t do all the things you would have done by yourself. In a moment of weakness, I forgot that too! (Tired brain, remember?). Massage is a weakness of mine, I love getting them, and Kripalu’s Ayurvedic massages is definitely one of my favorite kind! I scheduled a massage at one of the only available times, at 7.00 in the evening on Saturday. Anjali was not happy when she heard about this late Friday night. And it caused me a lot of angst in causing her discomfort. After she fell asleep, all of those inner critical voices joined together. How could I leave her alone in the room (no matter that it was on the same floor)? What if there is a fire alarm? Surely leaving my child alone can qualify as negligent parenting. My voices were insistent and relentless. It was past midnight when I finally fell asleep that night, too tired to struggle. Saturday morning I was ready to cancel my appointment, about to head out, when Anjali stopped me. She said, “Mom, don’t cancel. You love this. You should do it. I got this.” She truly did. She saved my day. That massage was not the best I have had: it was hard to completely let go of my worries, though I tried to surrender as best as I could and kept relaxing my body. When I got back, there was my baby, ready for bed, in her pajamas, reading. It was a priceless moment, I felt so moved, appreciative and so grateful! Transformed by my appreciation for her wondrous gift!

Sunday came upon us, gorgeous! My last session was when I discovered the euphoria. It was there. Just hidden underneath layers of comfort, habit and complacency. It emerged, beautiful, like a butterfly, transforming me from within. My kindred spirits in the workshop held the container for me while I went through this journey. I felt gratitude, exhilaration and generosity. That afternoon, I took Anjali to the lake, where my watery child swam with fishes and exuded exuberance! And we did the labyrinth one last time before saying good bye to Kripalu. Hope to return again next year!

Namaste, S.

My last session was when I discovered the euphoria. It was there. Just hidden underneath layers of comfort, habit and complacency. It emerged, beautiful, like a butterfly, transforming me from within.

Coming home…

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It is my first day of school vacation. My second year of teaching has flown by, and it has brought me such learning, and growth and appreciation, I feel grateful to find something I cherish and love doing everyday. I love my students, and my colleagues, and I love that I am paid to do math everyday!

And I also love my school vacation.

On this beautiful quiet morning, after dropping off Anjali, now 4 and ¾ as she reminded me this morning, I walked on the meandering roads near my house and I couldn’t help marveling at how my life has unfolded here in the upper valley. I came here as a graduate student to Dartmouth college, when I was 21. And I just never left. It has been nearly 14 years now. It wasn’t a love affair from the beginning, I can tell you that for sure. In fact I cried those beginning months, to be back home, to be around people again. And then one starry night, I walked outside from a show at the Hopkins center, and that’s when I knew. I was going to stay.

It is amazing to me that such a small place can hold so much. The beautiful magnificent fall – in all its triumphant colors that change everyday, culminating in a rich golden dance of leaves that lead into nothingness. And then the beauty of pure white snow and the trees clothed in white, the snowy banks and mountains and the feel of icy cold air on the cheeks. Everything feels so still in the winter. And then the melting and the nothingness in between – before the buds shoot forth and miracle of life happens again. The trees and plants grow leaves, and somehow in a span of a magical month, everything is green again. And now, as I gaze around me, I’m greeted in all directions by the lushness of green. Who knew there were so many shades of green? Not to mention the flowers. Each walk I go, I discover a new bloom, a new kind of flower, a new scent. My heart is made so happy! And I am in awe of this unfolding that happens every year without fail, and that I get to be the witness to this beauty of transformation.

Each year seems to bring something new. This year, after living in our home for over 7 years, we saw a black bear in our back yard for the first time! It wasn’t large, but it had come to find seed at our bird feeder, which we then had to take down. In the last year and half, we have seen and learned the names of over 10 species of birds come to our yard, and listened to their calls and watched their way of patiently waiting for their turn at the feeder. In the roads around my home, I have taken countless walks. I have walked with friends, I have walked as a pregnant woman, as a new mother with my baby snug in the wrap next to me, as mom pushing the stroller with my child, more recently walking side-by-side with my daughter, and then sometimes like this morning, alone by myself. Life has come a full circle. And as I take each footstep up the hill lined with purple and yellow wild flowers, I know I am home.

So here is to the place closest to my heart, my home, the place I have lived longer than any other place in my life, the place that bears witness to my own transformation. I bow to you in gratitude and joy!

With love, S.

Sing your song…

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I’ve wanting to write in my blog these past few weeks, but nothing materializes. Somehow I don’t have the words to describe all that I feel. When I try words, they seem cliched, trivial and I know my life experience is anything but that. So much has been happening, each day, each week, I can hardly keep up. I don’t mean externally – my life is a simple one for the most part – family, work and play. Internally, it is a different story. I have moments each day when everyone makes sense and I am magically alive. I spend several moments each day, lost in trance – of being elsewhere – not quite in the moment. I have come to recognize those moments with fondness – they allow me to soften. Making the turn and seeing a familiar face, or walking into a shop and seeing somebody I know, or simply walking sometimes. A lot of times, while driving. My judgments for wandering have diminished leaving a strange comaraderie for myself. This is me – imperfect. and my attention wanders. Lets return. and I do.

I have moments when I am caught in the anguish, of feeling that I am not enough. Frustration that I cannot be more, do more. And somehow, I notice, and they pass. The moments I feel most alive are when I am in nature, and when I stop and appreciate whatever is in front of me. It happens a lot when I am with my daughter – she forces me to pause. Its like she sees this beautiful being in me that makes me stop and figure out if I can catch a glimpse of this being in me too. Such love, a daughter brings. such joyful play and appreciation.

So, tonight, before I go to bed, I will be sneaking into my daughter’s room to watch her tonight. I hope you too have something that makes your heart smile.

I leave you with this…

Sing your song

life isn’t all that long
so take this moment
to sing your song

sing it wildly,
belt out loudly
let everyone hear

that heartful voice
inside of you
loud and clear

no one else can sing it
the way you do, not quite,
there is no other you

so take this moment,
pause for a minute
get ready and sing…!

With Love, S.

January: reflections…

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How the life of a mother evolves…When I got into motherhood more than four years ago, I had no idea what I was getting into. Now four years into it, I’m learning what this is possibly about.

Patience. Enormous patience. Patience with oneself, patience with our partner, with our child, with others. Kindness. Kindness in those moments when we don’t know what is wrong, or what is happening. We don’t know why. Kindness and softening. That to me, appears to be a life-long learning. And the indescribable love and delight in life. Truly opening to what life has to offer – the not knowing, the mysteries and the day-to-day joys. When Anjali and I share our cuddles, I am complete and healed from every possible wound and hurt, internal and external. This embrace, loving, completely accepting is something I am always touched by. Sometimes if I am particularly overwhelmed, or my daughter is, we will do one-minute hugs. Just sit and hug for a complete minute with no agenda in mind. I love those moments!

Perhaps all children have this amazing capacity of appreciation and being present. I see when watching Anji’s buddies at school playing – how much fun kids have. We as adults are so much jaded. They seem so much more into adventure and lack of worrying about the future or self-critisicm about the past. When I am truly stressed, that is usually a sign that I need to be attentive and observe more and do less. It doesn’t take long for my daughter to inspire me. Perhaps it is the patience and presence she brings into her moment – whether she is beading, drawing or leaping joyously across our living room rug pretending to be a princess or on the beach. The innate capacity we all have to entertain, enliven and be happy is so inspiring to me. When I read books to her, or when I make up stories, which has been the new favorite thing, I feel connected to the flow of life. Present somehow. Wiser somehow. This is it. this is the joy I too felt when I was a child – of discovering something new, the thrill of learning something different, of figuring it out, of finding my own capacity to do something. And it all comes back. Maybe being a mother is at the end, about being a child all over again.

I don’t have all the words – perhaps I never will. Staying indoors, reflecting on this cold January afternoon seems to be right in expressing some of this…maybe more will come later… I would love to hear from others…

Peace and warmth to you,
Shuba

The montessori way…

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One of the best decisions Abhi and I have made for Anji is to send her to the Montessori preschool. I feel so very grateful when I see the spark in Anjali – the curiosity, the questioning, the kindness and the confidence. Anjali was a shy kid and until she started going to Montessori, dropping her off at a preschool meant tears and hard goodbyes. But with Montessori, from day one, when she walked in, it was like she understood at some deep level that she belonged. This was her kind of place. The atmosphere that the teachers create here of trust is something the children seem to understand immediately. They are at ease, and when they are at ease, they create. They are fully themselves. and this is a gift like no other!

Seeing Anjali’s confidence in doing things for herself, and being a valued member of the society with something to contribute makes my heart full. Last night, she dressed herself fully after her bath, including choosing her clothes before I got out of the shower. I did not expect it! She also cleaned the chairs, of her own volition, by finding a towel and making it damp. and she was so proud! A joy to witness is her increasing confidence in her motor skills – the ability to draw, to write her name. The amazing thing is we have not pushed her in any way – it is entirely of her own interest and her incredible teachers. We don’t ever have to say – do you want to practice writing? or drawing? She loves it and hence she does it.

Her teacher, amazing Ms. M expects her children to take responsibility for who they are and their choices. She expects perfection. and they give it. These young children from 3 – 6 years. Once last week, when Anji finished a half-hearted attempt at her job (in order to get on to eating and play), her teacher made her go back to her work and try again. Anji grumbled about it at home. We did not venture any comment. The next day, she was so proud when she finished her work ‘the right way’. She came home and said, ‘today my Ms and Os were beautiful!’. Ah! To take pride in one’s work! As a teacher myself teaching high school math, this is something I think of everyday. And of how to give my kids the tools to excel and develop confidence in their own problem solving. Seeing the Montessori teachers inspires me to be a better teacher myself. To remember always to be kind, non-judging and to expect more from my kids. And then they miraculously seem to deliver!

So it was my pleasure to spend the morning at Montessori along with a couple of other indian families to bring in the spirit of Deepavali, the festival of lights, into the classroom. Though the students had already done their bit – by painting diyas! what a beautiful sight walking into the school. Making the coconut ladoos was work – but seeing them devoured by little angels was awesome.

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Pictures courtesy: Montessori children’s school.

There is a feeling of ‘rightness’. I don’t know how else to explain this – this feeling that this is right. exactly right. The way things should be. Thats the feeling I get when I think of how fortunate we are to have this incredible community to support Anjali in her growing up.

May you appreciate the rightness, wherever it is, in your life.

peace,
Shuba.

Journeys and memories…

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Whew! We finally made it to the movie. Babysitter has settled in with Anji who happily said goodbye. Coming after a difficult lunchtime where my nearly 4-year old daughter Anjali (whom we fondly call Anji or gudiya) wouldn’t touch her pasta, a nice goodbye was a ‘thank God no tears!’ feeling. Driving as fast as Abhi possibly could, we reached the theater in just over 10 minutes from Lebanon to Hanover. We only missed the first preview of a movie with something ‘moonlight’ in the title and with Colin Firth in it. (I would like to see that one – even if I missed the preview!). I breathed a sigh – a deep sigh of relief – letting all the tension of the day melt away as I settled into my seat with Abhi next to me.

Movies usually begin with the name of studios involved, and this movie began with ‘Reliance’ on the screen. A deep sense of reminiscence came in. Just a few weeks ago, Abhi and I were sitting in the Red lounge in the cinemas in Mumbai reclining our comfy seats with samosas on the side, watching ‘Reliance’ on the screen. Hmmm…. Maybe this will be nice. I thought to myself, preparing for ‘the 100 foot journey’.

As you would have guessed, we ourselves are just over a week, back from ‘an 8000-mile journey’ – our travel to India for a month. Not on foot or motorbike or anything glamorous like that, but in style on Virgin Atlantic. With a lovely 3-day stopover at London to break the journey and one of the most memorable trips of my life to India, this vacation was special.

Anjali, our daughter, is nearly 4 and our journey was fantastic. This time was so much more enjoyable than when I think back to her being 9 months and nearly 2 (the most nightmarish age for travel!) on previous trips. Right now her age makes her a fun traveler. She was excited and curious about everything. She wore her own seatbelt and used the bathrooms before takeoffs and landings when explained as to why. She asked the flight crew herself that she would like apple juice with no ice. She saw Frozen about 10 times through all the plane rides, and she took out her little guys and played imaginary games with them in between. As long as I didn’t make any demands on her eating or sleeping, we were on a roll.

As for our time in India – there are no words. Maybe I can best explain it by coming back to the ‘100 foot journey’. In the last scene, decked in colorful clothes, the cast brought feasts of Indian food to sit together with friends and family. And then credits started rolling in – and with it, so did my tears. Maybe it was the memory of the taste of the warm parathas made by Lataji, or the grilled mint chutney sandwiches for afternoon snack or the delicious omelette cooked with cilantro leaves and onions diced into tiny pieces made by Priyankaji. Maybe the white of the large paneer pieces against the green of spinach in palak paneer or the black creaminess of dal makhani or the crunchy samosas with yummy filling. Feast – I certainly knew what that was. And with family and friends – maybe that’s why the food tasted so good. The warm embraces of unconditional acceptance and the sense of endless time. Like exactly the right amount of tea leaves, ginger and cardamom into making the perfect cuppa. In that instant time stopped. Maybe this is why vacations are special. And maybe this is what makes our hearts tender with the sweetness of the memories. And makes it hard to let go.

Anjali has already let go. She is totally present in the now – excited about art camp this morning and popcorn and lemonade and the bridge to white river junction. Maybe I will get there sometime soon…

May there be many such vacations – and may you have (had) exactly the vacation you need this summer.

With peace and gratitude, S.

Turning 3…

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My little girl just turned 3 this past week. Its been three mom years for me. It is so mind-boggling to me! Just now, it seemed like she was born, nursing in my arms, sleeping for hours, utterly vulnerable and dependent on me; on us, as parents. And already it has been three years. And she is a sheer life force of energy moving dancing jumping always ready. As Suzuki Roshi called it, an alert readiness. A readiness for life. When she is upset, she is passionately upset. and when joyful, joyful with her full body and mind. My passionate wild darling. Sometimes too much like her mother. (“and the lily, how passionately she needs some wild darling!”, Rumi, Maybe thats what I asked for.) Perhaps a little temperance maybe in order. But that’s not something I have ever learned properly. Dad will have to chip in on that one.

My sleeping baby is my favorite moment of the day. She holds my hand, even now, into her fourth year, before dozing off, into dreamland. sometimes she has some last few words, some mumbles before sleep arrives fully. She is always so warm. and she curls up like a cat, with her other hand rubbing her belly. Sometimes she sings, until that very last moment of sleep. itsy bitsy spider (her most favorite song!) mostly, sometimes twinkle twinkle. Perhaps there is a reason these songs are so popular among the little ones. The melody that one can repeat over and over again. It doesn’t end. But then it does. Everything ends, just as the baby years end and the toddler years arrive, and then the preschooler years.

Right now, thats where my baby is at. So incredibly brave, learning so many new things, giving herself fully to each new day and what it holds. It is amazing to me how much she is open to, how present. More and more I am aware of how many complaints I have. and I don’t do half as much as my little one does each day. So I learn slowly to drop them.

So here it is, to our little ones, our little buddhas. May we cherish the moments, of their touch, their tiny hands holding ours, their small feet flexing, the pouring of water in the tub from one cup to another, the wearing of tiny shoes themselves, and braving it into the worlds with their tiny lunch bags. Thats my diva, my angel, my rock star. Happy birthday my sweetheart!