Tag Archives: peace

Upside down…

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Photo by Sam Kolder on Pexels.com

This summer, I signed up for a 6-week yoga series on inversions. It was an impromptu decision. I figured that after my weekend at Kripalu, it would be nice to keep my yoga practice going. Even though I pull out my mat at least a couple of times in a week, my practice has also gotten more gentle and restorative lately (my nice way of saying that I have become lazier!). Increasing my strength has definitely been a goal for me, and without a structured class setting, I knew that this would not be possible. So, without even meeting the teacher, I signed up for the series!

I liked the teacher when I met her at the first class. She was going to show us a very specific way of training for handstands. And even if I didn’t make it to handstands, I would at least have a solid foundation to work on! I was optimistic, especially after bringing more dance into my life lately.

Unfortunately, the foundation is all I am going to have, I’m afraid. I have done four classes so far, and it has been a humbling experience. I am by far the weakest student in the class, and I say that with a laugh! There are significantly older women than me who seem to be stronger.

But I’m learning so much as a teacher, by being a struggling learner! Here are some of the lessons/reminders I have had so far:

  • When you tell your students to seek out what they struggle with and to practice, practice, practice, know that they may not know what they struggle with. You need to help them narrow down exactly what it is they are having trouble with, with compassion and kindness and help them arrive at a sustainable plan!
  • Appreciate what is going well! Taking a few moments to say a silent thank you to my body for what it is doing well has been more important to me than observing all that it cannot do!
  • The journey is more important than the goal! Yes, I was there to learn handstands, but if I continually focused only on that, I would be very disappointed and frustrated! But when I remember to enjoy the process of learning something new with my body, I can actually relax and go deeper and also have more fun!
  • The idea of going upside down was used in yoga to get a different perspective. A reminder to keep being mindful of observing my mind and witnessing the effects of going upside down (even if with the help of a wall!). How do I feel afterwards?
  • Savasana is important. After all the hard work, letting go is the sweetest part for me. But somehow that wasn’t part of this particular yoga class. I missed it sorely, and in my latest class this past weekend, I actually did let go of wheel pose in favor of having a longer wind-down. It was helpful to me, and it felt so sweet in my body. So, make time to celebrate the small and big achievements. Each one is a sweet moment that comes after a lot of hard work!

This yoga series feels like a professional development workshop of sorts! Probably because I have always found it immensely satisfying to be a student, and more so this time, being a struggling student in class. This weekend will be my last class of the series; I hope that I can remember these reminders and to have fun and not take myself so seriously! Maybe I will even make it upside down, who knows! 🙂

With gratitude, S.

Ocean blues…

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It has been nearly two weeks since I wrote last! The days are flying by, and we are at the home stretch of summer vacation. Since I wrote last, we spent a few days in Ogunquit, Maine. I grew up in south India, about a ten minute walk from the beach, and I took this for granted! Now, living in picturesque and mountainous New England, I don’t make enough visits to the ocean. This time when we went, a mere couple of hours of driving, I realized how much I had missed the beach. There is something that happens when you are around the ocean. A slow letting go of all the worries and anxieties you didn’t even know you carried, and in its place, a deep wisdom growing its roots within you. I slept so well, and woke up the next morning feeling alert and clearer than I had in days. Everything made sense and everything was perfect. Such is the magic of the ocean.

I would be remiss, if I did not admit to having a few less-than-graceful moments. Balancing the needs of your family, while still managing to get your own needs met, is an ever-shifting dance! We had a great breakfast the first day (Daalu, my husband’s favorite meal!), and of course, swimming in the beach (Anji’s favorite activity!), but it got too hot to go on the marginal way, which is what I really wanted. Anji was a bit at the receiving end of my disappointment, and at one point, I was losing it, and I told her, “why don’t we walk in silence until the end of the street, and by then, I will have it together”. She replied: “Mom, even if you are mad, I would rather you be social with me than silent!” She said it in such an earnest and kind and non-judging way, it cracked me up and lightened up my mood. Of course, I would love to be social with you my sweetheart!

We did make it to the marginal way the next day, bright and early, and Anji and I had an amazing time wandering through the little coves.

And she and Daalu enjoyed some quality time swimming in the ocean. We also made it to Cape Nubble Lighthouse, which was so scenic and beautiful!

My beloved friend joined us for the last day, and it was heart-filling! More beach and play time, and dinner at the lovely Rose Cove Patio, and shopping through the streets of downtown at night.

When we got back, I had a few days of ocean blues… I really missed seeing the ocean. The rhythm of the tide, the calm of the expanse of water, the sight of the kites diving into the water, seagulls looking for food, burst of blooms along the pathways, and so much room for everything to be. But then when I pause, I can see within me, the same deep, lasting peace. And a reminder that “You are not a drop in the ocean, you are an entire ocean in a drop.” (Rumi)

Namaste, S.

Twilight moments…

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I am a twilight fan. There. I said it! I have been dreading this moment. It all started harmlessly enough. Sitting with Abhi on the couch, browsing through netflix, we came across Twilight among recent new releases on Netflix. I remembered vaguely enjoying it a few years ago, so we watched it that night. I am a sucker for love stories. Abhi, noticing my obvious enjoyment of Bella and Edward’s love story went ahead and ordered the whole saga for me. Mistake. Not that I’m not hugely appreciative – but mistake nonetheless. I ended up watching each installment of the saga over the period of a week. That is 5 movies of 2 hours each, so about 10 hours in total. This may not seem like much to some of you – but I’m somebody who doesn’t get very attached to TV series. Or rather, I’m impressionable so I practice restraint. The few shows I watch – and have watched – Downton Abby, Parenthood, Baking shows, to name a few – are in moderation because they only show one episode a week. I avoid crime, violence and intense drama because they get into my head. And I get bored by watching the same show for more than a couple of days. Hence, imagine my puzzlement when I found myself anxious to return each night after Anji’s bedtime, to the next chapter in vampire romance!

Clearly, this was against all odds. I could think of so many reasons why I should’t be watching this saga. Top of the list was that this series does not make any sense. And yet, drawn I was, like a moth to a flame night after night. My sweet husband valiantly watched all of them with me – that is how much he loves to spend time with me. I felt terrible for putting him through the ordeal! But stop, I could not.

Finally the last of Breaking Dawn finished and I realized how much of a lesson I was really learning. Other than my own self-judgment criticizing staying up late and any related thought that arose harmlessly in my mind, there was no problem really. But that is forgetting exactly how entrenched my self-judgment really is! I struggled with pushing away innocent thoughts of Forks as I drove on new england roads. ‘Go away!’, I said. And of course that didn’t work!

And finally, one night tossing and turning, berating myself and my mind, I came into softening. There was really nowhere else to go. My mind and heart softened. I chanted metta phrases every time a thought or scene from the movies arose in my mind. ‘May I be happy, may I be peaceful!’, I repeated over and over.. All night, my body and face kept softening intentionally until I realized: here was the practice! This was what Twilight had led me to. The workings of my own mind, observing, witnessing and accepting all of my thoughts. and softening and embracing my own loving heart. When I woke up in the morning, all was calm, my face and heart was shining.

I am a twilight fan. I adore the story of Bella Swan and Edward Cullen. There I said it. I’m not proud but I still love the goofball teenager inside me!

Peace to you,
S.

The goldfinches…

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Greetings on a rainy spring day from New England. As I type this blog, two goldfinches are right outside our window at the bird feeder, patiently having their meal/snack. They are not multi-tasking, they are not talking, they are in the moment, eating. Nothing else. Isn’t that cool!? That feels like a luxury these days. How any days have you been completely mindful of what you are eating in the moment, and not multi-tasking (or thinking other thoughts/planning? ). For me, it is very few. Mostly by the time I remember, I am at the last few bites, which I try at least to remember to eat mindfully.

While there is so much I want to write about: about why it has been so long since I wrote in this space and what is happening in my world and about the realizations and insights and circumstances of my life, what I find myself writing about, are these gold finches.

Right now, one waits patiently in the branch while the others complete their feed. They don’t fight, there seems no animosity or sense of ‘lack’. The bird on the branch seems as content waiting as the bird on the feeder. When I saw this the first time, I thought it was pretty cool, especially since this bird feeder is only about a month old. After the long winter, surely there must be a dearth of food. I would have thought they would be fighting. Atleast if they were human beings, they probably would. They never seem to. And again, they seem to bring this complete presence to the moment, a simplicity of purpose.

Sometimes, bigger birds come by to see what the fuss is about. We have seen a blue jay and a pigeon in addition to robins. They seem to lose interest once they realize the feeder is too small for them. They don’t seem to disturb the smaller birds. which in itself is interesting to me.

Among the smaller birds, we have seen chickadees, other finches, the junco in particular and the goldfinches and sparrows. It strikes me again and again how colorful and cool and completely accepting of others, each bird appears to be. I find myself looking forward to seeing these little ones every day. Its like this greeting they bring to our lives, without which something is incomplete.

In honor of these birds, let me end with a beloved Rumi quote as translated by Coleman Barks:

Birds make great, sky-circles of their freedom.

How do they learn it? They fall. And in falling

Are given wings. 

 

If you would like, do check out Mary Oliver’s poem ‘Invitation’, another favorite of mine, about goldfinches in particular.

Peace and metta to you,

Shuba

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Happenings on Winter Break…

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One of the best things about my job as a high school teacher is that when Anjali has a snow day at her preschool, I do too. And when she has winter break, so do I. Hallelujah!

I had a lot of plans last weekend, facing an entire week ahead of time in the mornings to myself (with Anji at art camp). Time to catch up on work, have coffee with friends, saunter along on the main street, and do yoga and read poetry. On Monday morning, things were off to a good start. I did some work and went to yoga class after dropping off Anji. And then I went to pick up Anji. As soon as I saw her, I knew something was off. She was sitting in a daze, and looking…well.. a bit ashen. We came home and she threw up. One of many throw ups. Followed then were two days of my being dedicated mom to sick child. Lots of lap time, reading books (or same books over and over again) and cuddling with my little one. Comforting tears, cleaning up messes, and giving hugs.

Once I let my agendas drop, it was nice to pause and slow down. Anji is usually so much on the move all the time – that it was nice to snuggle with her as much as I did. We listened to sounds – to snow trucks clear the drive ways, the sound of water dripping after a shower, and to sounds of waves on our phone. Time paused. We saw Aamir Khan in ‘Taare Zameen Par’ painting with eight year old boy Ishaan. We made cookies (though of course Anji didn’t want any) and we slept a lot. Or she slept and while she did, I sat next to her and graded papers. And every now and then, looking at her sleeping face resting in complete surrender and peace, I felt a welling of tenderness. A reminder of the fleetingness of time.

So, time comes a full circle – sometimes in a short time. On this friday morning, I have dropped off Anji at her art camp, happy and herself again. She managed to eat some breakfast (miracle!) and with a peppy smile, waved a big good bye to me from the window as I drove off. What a sweet start to the morning.

There are some things we could never plan for, that turn out to be the sweetest of all things – moments that we cherish, love that fills our hearts and a softness that carries through our smile to others. May yours be a day with some or all of these things.

With Love, S.

Night lights…

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Last night was my first night with Abhi traveling. I stayed up too late after Anjali went to bed, reading a novel (set in Victorian times with some amount of gothic suspense, which is one of my favorite kinds…). By the time I hit the bed, I was imagining sounds of spooky houses and gardens around me. It took me a few minutes to align my senses with Anji’s breathing, sleeping on the mattress next to our bed. Then everything was fine.

Not to say the night was uneventful. right around 1.00am, Anjali woke up crying. I comforted her, put her in bed next to me, and realized after checking the time, that Abhi had probably just landed in Frankfurt, en route to Jeddah in Saudi Arabia. She was probably in sync with him, as they always are, sharing a special language of their own, father and daughter, and missing him.

My own dad had called me up Friday evening at around 4.30, which was around 3.00 am his time. My phone which has gone through many trials and tribulations ( as some of my friends may know from first hand details) now works for the most part, except the phone doesn’t ring when someone calls. Or rather it probably rings, but not in any frequency I can hear. So unless you are looking at the iPhone and see a face coming by, you won’t actually know someone is calling until you see the missed call later. But at that instant,at 4.30pm, in my car after my chiropractor appointment, with Anji behind in the car seat, just before I was about to pull out of the parking, I happened to check my phone and saw appa’s face. It felt so good!

My dad has a strange and comforting way of being there for me, more so when Abhi is traveling. It’s as if his sixth sense kicks in. It’s happened in the past when we went through some pretty lousy medical stuff while Abhi was traveling. He would call at the right time, and he was able to be present no matter what my emotions at the moment. On this Friday evening, my heart was gladdened hearing Appa’s voice. I could see Anjali’s smiling face in the rear view mirror, her sparkly eyes lighting up listening to me talk. as always, perfectly in sync.

So tonight, now that the novel is finished, and Anji is sleeping, the house feels quiet. A lingering sense of peace. Abhi has landed in Jeddah, and resting his weary body after traveling for over 24 hours. We got to see him for a few minutes on video, and as always he looked so great, even after traveling for so long. I don’t know how my amazing hubby manages that! :) I have let the dishes pile up, but I’m okay letting my obsessive compulsive cleaner off the hook tonight. Anji has cleaned up her toys before going to bed, and I have our Christmas lights on in the living room ( yeah already!) so our living room has a cozy glow. Time has slowed down tonight. Now it is time to hit the bed…

Namaste and peace to you.

Turning 3…

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My little girl just turned 3 this past week. Its been three mom years for me. It is so mind-boggling to me! Just now, it seemed like she was born, nursing in my arms, sleeping for hours, utterly vulnerable and dependent on me; on us, as parents. And already it has been three years. And she is a sheer life force of energy moving dancing jumping always ready. As Suzuki Roshi called it, an alert readiness. A readiness for life. When she is upset, she is passionately upset. and when joyful, joyful with her full body and mind. My passionate wild darling. Sometimes too much like her mother. (“and the lily, how passionately she needs some wild darling!”, Rumi, Maybe thats what I asked for.) Perhaps a little temperance maybe in order. But that’s not something I have ever learned properly. Dad will have to chip in on that one.

My sleeping baby is my favorite moment of the day. She holds my hand, even now, into her fourth year, before dozing off, into dreamland. sometimes she has some last few words, some mumbles before sleep arrives fully. She is always so warm. and she curls up like a cat, with her other hand rubbing her belly. Sometimes she sings, until that very last moment of sleep. itsy bitsy spider (her most favorite song!) mostly, sometimes twinkle twinkle. Perhaps there is a reason these songs are so popular among the little ones. The melody that one can repeat over and over again. It doesn’t end. But then it does. Everything ends, just as the baby years end and the toddler years arrive, and then the preschooler years.

Right now, thats where my baby is at. So incredibly brave, learning so many new things, giving herself fully to each new day and what it holds. It is amazing to me how much she is open to, how present. More and more I am aware of how many complaints I have. and I don’t do half as much as my little one does each day. So I learn slowly to drop them.

So here it is, to our little ones, our little buddhas. May we cherish the moments, of their touch, their tiny hands holding ours, their small feet flexing, the pouring of water in the tub from one cup to another, the wearing of tiny shoes themselves, and braving it into the worlds with their tiny lunch bags. Thats my diva, my angel, my rock star. Happy birthday my sweetheart!